


Confessions of a Bad Witch

by Rutkowski



Series: Outlawverse [1]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Norse Religion & Lore
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bechdel Test Pass, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Complete, Despair, Diary/Journal, Episode: s06e10 Wrecked, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, LGBTQ Character, Letters, Loneliness, Redemption, Season/Series 06, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, no betas we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 45,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27605576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rutkowski/pseuds/Rutkowski
Summary: Willow-centric fic about guilt, redemption and depression.References to suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide and past trauma.Mostly in a modified POV format. The bias in some descriptions of past events is on purpose, it's how the character in question sees the events in question that matter. As such, some characters get the short stick as they're rather antagonistic towards the main characters.First fanfic. Not been part of any fic communities so have no beta. Spelling and grammar corrections are welcome cause I'll probably miss something, same if you happen to discover any plot holes. Story covers the events up until the start of S7 and can be read by itself or as a part of the ongoing series.Fic goes divergent following the episode 'Wrecked' and explores Willow going at it alone at first, this time by choice rather than ostracized, and how she experiences the darker side of the group dynamics we all love from the Buffyverse. Gonna try to offer an alternative path for the scoobies while still keeping the universe lore and laws.
Relationships: Faith Lehane & Dawn Summers, Faith Lehane & Tara Maclay, Faith Lehane & Willow Rosenberg, Tara Maclay & Dawn Summers, Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg, Willow Rosenberg & Dawn Summers
Series: Outlawverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023291
Comments: 50
Kudos: 20





	1. November 28, 2001

_Hi again, trusty journal. Diary. Logbook. ~~Suicide~~ ~~Final~~ Confession letter._

_I know I said I was gonna keep in touch with you more often, that I'd write down everything so ~~Tara and I~~ ~~we~~ I could look back and remember the good in those days. I thought the death of Joyce would be the lowest we'd go._

_That was stupid. I found that out soon after when Glory took Tara's mind. I felt I couldn't spend time on silly you when I had to keep my girl safe. Keep Dawn from imploding. Keep Buffy from giving up. Keep Glory away. Keep the knights away. Bring Buffy back. Be the big gun. Go deeper and deeper within myself to just hold us all by the cliff's edge by a fingernail. But hey, I could always come back once Tara was back. Once Glory was dead and Buffy and Dawn would be allowed to grieve._

_So yeah, that was the manageable part of last year. Then our world broke in the echo of Buffy's body doing the same._

_I got Tara back. I got her back and hurt Glory. I was the big gun but not big enough because I couldn't save Dawn. I spent energy on saving my girl, energy that I could have used to help Buffy. Energy I could have used to help Spike get to the tower faster._

_Wait, would that even have mattered? He fell down immediately anyway so that was a dumb plan. Should have known Spike couldn't be relied upon to avoid a fight and save someone, he'd go for blood any day of the week. It's not like he or the others were any help against the demons anyway, barely made a dent at their numbers. I should have thrown knives at them. I should have struck them down. I should have gone in Spike's place. That way I'd either free Dawn or free my friends from myself._

_Would have been better if I'd taken that fall rather than Spike and Buffy. That way Dawn would have her sister. The scoobies would still have a good witch. They'd have their leader. Giles wouldn't have left so it's not like they'd need me for research anyway. Anya knows more than me with demons too and Dawn is good with computers._

_And Tara would be free. Free of her tormentor. Her abuser. Her dead weight. Her barrier to happiness. She could find some good witch and cast spells without worrying about me violating her mind. Killing her trust._

_Damn, even when I tried to help her I did it by assaulting her mind. My fingers following in Glory's footsteps. Fingersteps._

_Handprints?_

_But yeah, this summer wasn't very log-friendly either. I had to do the funeral. Dawn is a kid, a de facto orphan, and Giles was sober half the time we saw him, at best. When we saw him. He left us before that flight, really. His spirit died with Buffy and now he had no reason to hang around with a bunch of kids less than half his age. When he said, the year before, that he was gonna leave I got him to stay by appealing to his inner Buffyness. And trust me, I tried. I tried telling him that Dawn needed him. We needed him. I needed him._

_Like that would be any reason from him to stay. He always saw Dawn as a poor substitute for Buffy anyway. He was quick to offer to kill her. Too quick. Would've made Buffy more reliant on him for familial attachment and comfort. And free time up for Watchering. And patrolling. Maybe even sell Fort Summers and move into his guest room so she didn't have to work or study and could spend all time being the slayer._

_It didn't take him long to fall back to old habits after the Council took him back._

_It was dumb of me to think I could get him to stay by appealing for help. He never helped me learn magic. He never even supported it. None of them did._

_Okay, that's not fair. Buffy did. She needed her big gun. It was a long time ago she needed her friend Will so at least I had a way for her to not try to get rid of me. Again. And Dawn thought it was cool until it wasn't. Not her fault. She didn't get the nosebleeds, the migraines, the nightmares, the exhaustion. She didn't get the looks._

_The looks are nothing new. I've gotten them since preschool. Kids thought I was a freak because I loved to read, and I was good at it. Didn't take too long for them to make it a thing, so I stopped talking about it._

_Wait, starting a ramble again. Not the point. I'll make a note in the margin to come back to this._

_Anyway, this summer was hell. Buffy was gone but the Hellmouth was hungry. It's always hungry. So I had to fix the Buffybot._

_Do you have any idea how it feels to try to clean up your broken best friend's body for her funeral? We couldn't use the funeral home or her death would become public record and the jig would be up. Giles was too drunk and none of us dared to let Spike near her body. We all remember where the Buffybot came from._

_Tara wanted to help and did as much as she could but with one hand in a cast she was limited. Xander had to help Anya in her rehab from the debris falling on her. So I had to strip her. Clean her. Push back the broken bones into her body. Find a dress. Find a casket. Buy a stone. Buy a lot, under the table._

_This is when my money ran out, by the way. Mom and dad found out I had a bunch of missing papers at the end of the semester and cut me off. "If you can't go to college and spend all your times going out at nights drinking then we will not be paying for it anymore." They sent over all that I had left to our destroyed dorm the day after. My room is a second study for mom now._

_If cleaning Buffy's body was a relatively short, if horrifying and scarring, affair then fixing the Buffybot is what kept that scar from healing again. Remember, she was built for Spike. With all parts intact. I had to repair her and clean her and dress her and upgrade her and reprogram her **and** to ensure people wouldn't know it wasn't Buffy. I hated myself every day for what I did, especially for what I did to Dawn._

_But she let me and Tara move in with her. She loves Tara and who wouldn't? Tara is Tara. It fixed our home situation, at least, because the dorm was in my name and no way they'd let me rent another after getting Gloryholed._

_..._

_I'm an immature idiot, okay?_

_So had to keep Dawn functional. Not happy, how could she be happy when she is forced to have two other girls playing house in her home. I'm not that much older than her, how could I ever be a mom? Couldn't even keep my fish alive. Or Miss Kitty. Stupid Xander leaving loaded crossbows on the table. I miss Miss Kitty. I'm sorry I was a bad catmom._

_And I had to keep the home clean. Tara did most of that once her hand was better but that took time. That let me free up time to organize the patrols. And the funeral. And Buffybot. And my summer courses to catch up what I had missed. And pay the bills. Tara helped there too but none of us had money, really. Xander helped once but then Anya got mad and told us to move to a dorm or apartment to save money. Dawn could live in the closet, she said. Small humans need smaller spaces._

_That's the only time I've seen Tara get as mad at someone else as she has gotten at me._

_It's far from the only time I've seen her mad at me. And she is right to._

_I also had to study magic because our patrols sucked. You would think we'd be better than what we were when Buffy left us the last time. I tried to fix drawbacks in some spells to kill the vamps faster but that didn't work. One mistake and people don't trust you anymore and you're back to the nosebleed magic again. Didn't want Tara to worry so I bought a lot of wet napkins that summer._

_She had it rough enough. Her nightmares kept us both up. Sometimes I couldn't fall asleep again, so I worked on the bot and forgot the time. So I hurt her by leaving her in the bed alone so she'd wake up screaming after a bad night's sleep._

_Bad week. Bad month. Bad summer._

_I do not blame her for hating me for that._

_If only that were the only reason she had._

_One evening Xander and I were talking. It was nice, for a few minutes. Then we remembered our world and it wasn't nice anymore. We got onto the subject of bringing Buffy back and the idea stuck. Bad idea, but it stuck. We tried to find Buffy's soul with a seance, but we couldn't. Xander got wigged by the nosebleed when I failed and said that I shouldn't try again, whatever was keeping her in hell didn't want us from helping her._

_I spent a week being research gal to find a spell to help Buffy. Found one in the bad tomes in the Magic Box. Would have asked Giles but didn't see him that week. We agreed that we'd talk to our girls because the spell needed four of us. I'd be the conduit but all of us were necessary._

_Anya was not opposed at all. She didn't even ask about the soul, she just said that she didn't want Xander to patrol anymore. That led to a fight with him and then me because I could just kill all vampires I found with fire spells. Apparently, I only brought Xander with me on patrols to keep him from Anya so she had to join the patrols to make sure I didn't get him killed._

_I wish I'd asked Dawn instead of her but Xander refused. After I asked Tara she double-refused. We also needed some stuff for the spell that only Anya could get anyway so that point was moot._

_Tara was hesitant. I showed her the spell and answered questions. She asked about the soul and I explained that we couldn't reach her and that we thought she was hidden in some hell dimension. Okay, so I didn't tell her exactly what the blood stuff was, but she didn't ask, so I thought she knew._

_She didn't want to cast any more spells after that though. Not like we used to. She didn't want to get tainted by the dark magics I was going to channel. That was okay, I'd do it any day to keep her safe. I'd do anything._

_And isn't that the problem? Isn't that always the problem? I'm a big gun and when you are a big gun all you can provide for solutions are bullets. Magic bullets._

_Maybe Lee Harvey Oswald was a warlock trying to give JFK brain surgery but all he had been was a big gun so a magic bullet was the only solution he saw? Huh. I'll try to get back to this._

_I'm not going to lie. I could have dug harder to find Buffy. I should have. I shouldn't have brought her back. Damn Sunnydale, we should've just taken Dawn and left. Or Tara should have. I'd probably just drive us into a wall and hurt them and_

_***_

_There. I'm back. Had to do my Willow-is-pathetic-and-a-baby-and-cries-all-the-time-even-though-it's-her-own-damn-fault breakdown again. I'll just_

_***_

_Sorry again. Buffy came in and took all the magic supplies. Good. I only hurt them when I tried to help anyway so it's better I don't help anymore. I can't help anymore. Giles help more and he is an ocean away. All I do is hurt._

_Like when I brought Buffy back. We brought Buffy back. I'm sorry for what I did. For my part of it. I'm sorry for a lot of things but that's what happen when you screw up a lot of things. A lot of spells. A lot of people._

_Buffy will never forgive me for the crash. Dawn will never forgive me. Tara will never forgive me._

_And they shouldn't. Because I won't. I shouldn't be around them anymore. I shouldn't be around people anymore. I should move back home. My parents are never home so I would be away from people. No wait, no room anymore. Not in their life or home, that's new. Well, the home part. I've never had room in their life. Boy do they regret not sending me to that boarding school when I was ten, huh? Their own damn fault for being too busy to write an admittance letter and getting me to do it. I didn't want to go, I wanted to be with Xander and Jesse and Amy and_

_Okay that's all of them. And Amy only when she had to hide from home. And Xander only when Jesse was busy. And Jesse never because Xander was never too busy for him._   
_Wow. I was a sidekick even before I was a scooby._

_I **so** did not need to realize that now. Gonna go have one of my breakdowns again into the pillow so Dawn can't hear me and Buffy can pretend she doesn't her me so Dawn can sleep and Buffy patrol and I can finally go to the bathroom._

_I should get a bucket. Ohh, I can fill it with one of the rest of Amy's pellets so it won't stink up the place. And hey, I got wet napkins so I won't even need to shower anymore. I can cut down my leave-the-roominess with at least 80%! 90% if I get a bunch of protein bars and stuff that won't go bad. No more need to terrorize my friends anymore. No more imposing on them or making them uncomfortable._

_***_

_I found the pellets. They were below Tara's dress in the closet. Imma gonna go and have that regularly scheduled breakdown now. Thanks for listening. Sorry to be a bother. I'll try not to._


	2. November 29, 2001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sneezing, a poopbucket and the lightbulb massacre.

_Okay, that's a big NOPE on the poopbucket. It's too heavy. Couldn't bring it with me._

_I can't stay there. I can't let them suffer my presence. I'm a danger to them all just by being there and I bring nothing but hate, discomfort and unease._

_And I can't handle **the look** anymore. I thought it was bad before. That was nothing to what I received today._

_So yeah, I tried to stay away. Went well, even. Then Xander and Anya came to visit because apparently there was some scooby dinner thingie so I had to be part of it. Strange, considering Spike is more of a scoobie these days than I am. Giles and Spike wasn't there though, obviously. Neither was Tara. Can't stand being around me, obviously. Can't blame her. Blame myself for keeping her from her real family. Not her biofam. The only thing I regret in regard to those pondscum is my restraint in not cutting their parking cables._

_So Buffy all but forced me out of my room. I know she smelled the bucket. She didn't show it but I know her sense of smell. I took a quick shower and joined them. As soon as I got down the stairs the chatter died, mid-sentence. Dawn stared daggers at me. As she should. Buffy pretended I didn't exist. Xander made the worst attempts in being casually jovial that I've ever seen him do and take a moment to reflect on that frame of reference. Anya talked about me. Never with or at me, only around me. I don't remember much, I tuned it out rather quickly because I have no right to talk back. Not anymore. I do remember her providing friendly suggestions in how to solve the Willow Problem. Such problems included magic rehab(apparently there's an old friend of her that work at one of those. In a hell dimension), a dog muzzle, a magic binding(done by Tara so that she would have full control of my magic in the future. For karma, Anya said) and a lobotomy. She also suggested contacting the Initiative to see if they had a chip like Spike's except for spell casting._

_In the rest of them's defense, they did oppose the lobotomy outright. They mostly opposed the rehab and the muzzle, mostly for practical reasons, and Dawn said it should be up to Tara if she wanted to do the binding. Nobody actually opposed the chip._

_And nobody asked me._

_For the first time that day, I was going to talk. I was about to ask if they cared if such a chip would be reversible at all, ever, and if they even saw any difference between me and a demon. I'm glad I didn't. Or rather, couldn't._

_A sneeze snuck up on me and stopped me. And with that sneeze(and I did cover my nose with a napkin, thankyouverymuch) I accidentally blew up every single lightbulb in a two-block radius. I didn't cast a spell, not on purpose. It just happened and it didn't matter one single bit._

_Dawn screamed and dove behind Buffy, hitting her cast in the process. Anya cowered behind Xander who went pale. Buffy went into Slayer mode. She didn't see Willow Rosenberg, her best friend and previous foster parent of her little sister. She saw a monster who can channel more power, without even meaning to, than she had ever held. She saw a threat to herself, her sister and her family. She saw an outsider and she was sizing it up and contemplating strategy._

_And she was right. I'm glad I didn't get to ask the question because I didn't need to. That **look** that they all gave me, the look that is a mixture of fear, anger, hate and disgust that has earlier been seen when we faced Wilkins, Adam, Angelus and the Hellmouth Spawn. That look told me that yes, they didn't care if it was reversible(probably even preferable if it wasn't) and no, I'm no different than a demon._

_And I can't disagree. I apologized and excused myself, cleaned up my dishes and took my laptop with me upstairs. I also snuck the photo of me and Tara in the Magic Box with me._

_After that, all went quick. I can't stay there. I won't stay. I packed up some warm clothes, books for school and my laptop, packed some personal stuff as well as Tara's old Doll's Eye Crystal(I'm sorry but I can't lose it too. I'm a coward but it's all I got left to ground me) booked a room at the motel for a month(and yes, I do see the irony in me having the exact same room that Faith used to live in), rented a PO box online, wrote a note, emptied the bucket into a garbage bag and then climbed out the window. My room wouldn't be free until the start of next month so I dumped my stuff in a storage locker at the bus station and sat down. I'm there, here, now and writing in you. I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight but I found a type of cloaking spell that makes me invisible from demons and magic for a while as long as I don't leave the protective circle. It should keep me safe overnight._

_Crap, I just realized I forgot my coat. Doublecrap, it's winter. Winter in California, sure, but still winter._

_So yeah, cold turkey doesn't work. It leads to me causing magic rather than casting it. But I got an idea on how to stay clean that should work. Must work._

_If it doesn't, I'll have to look into the eternal fix. It's looking more and more attractive, to be honest._

_See ya tomorrow. I think._

***

Twenty-two minutes after the lightbulb massacre, Xander finally spoke. The others had argued quietly, for the most part, about what happened and what to do. About two minutes after the blowout, Spike ran into the house through the back door, thinking they were under attack. The others got him up to speed and Anya once again proposed the chip solution. Spike opposed that, calling it inhumane, and instead offered to arrange for an lobotomy for Willow, much to Anya's delight. Xander hadn't said anything. He had spent that time in his own head, contemplating what he had seen in Willow's eyes after she realized what had happened. Or rather, what he didn't see. He didn't see his Will anymore. He saw green eyes with no spark of life anymore. He saw apathy and panic.

"I'm going to check if Will's alright."

Dawn, by now having relocated to the couch, rubbed her left knee and questioned his decision. He didn't answer, moving up the stairs and gently tapping on Willow's door.

"Hey Will. It's the Xanman, do you mind if I come in and talk?"

No answer. No sound at all.

"Hey Will. I'm worried. About you, but still worried. Can I come in please?"

Still, nothing.

"Will, by not saying no within the next ten seconds you're giving me the okay to come in there. Please, Will?"

Ten seconds passed. And another ten, for good measure. Finally, he gently nudged the door open. It was empty. Empty and dark. Usually, Willow and Tara used candles rather than electricity to illuminate their room. When Tara left, Will stopped getting new candles so only the largest ones had remained. Then Buffy threw them all out after the car crash and the remains of the roof lightbulb, as well as those of the nightstand lamps, were scattered in the room. What wasn't there was Willow. Some of her clothes were missing as well. Same with her laptop and her backpack and duffel bag. All that remained was two envelopes. One labeled 'Tara' and the other labeled 'Everyone'.

"Crap."

He picked them up and went downstairs to open the second one.

"Willow is gone and her window was open. All I found was these letters."

Spike snorted and leaned back in the seat next to Dawn, his feet on the low table in front of him.

"Well yeah, bird left over ten minutes ago. Heard her climbing down while you were all shooting down my lobotomy idea."

"It was my idea first," muttered Anya.

Xander sighed. He really should've known better than to push the issue but decided to act anyway.

"And did you ever feel the need to inform the rest of us of these developments?"

Spike shrugged and started to pat his pockets for his packet of smokes.

"Nah. I'm not her friend. And same with all you dimwits, she's not your responsibility. None of ye all are her keepers. Pet here agrees with me or she would've said something herself when she heard it. Why spend the energy to help someone who doesn't want the help?"

Xander fumed. In the few seconds he was alternating between punching Spike in the face and spitting out some ugly retort Buffy hurried towards him and took both letters from him. She pocketed Tara's and started reading the other one.

_Hi scoobs. Firstly, to dispel any misunderstandings, this is not a suicide note. I am not planning to kill myself tonight. Secondly, I'm sorry about the mess. I know I got snip for trust these days and I in no way question that situation but all I can say is that I did not cast a spell. I sneezed. A normal, Willowy sneeze. I do not know how my magic manifested itself as it did but it was not a choice I did. I know, that doesn't make it any better but I'm not going to lie about my magic use anymore. Which brings me to my next point._

_I am dangerous. I don't want to be, but I am. I can't be around you anymore. I've already hurt Tara and Dawn and I can't force you to suffer that anymore. One's home is one's sanctuary and I've despoiled yours. I thank you for tolerating me all these years and I apologize for being too inept to not ruin it. Wow, that was pompous. I'm an idiot and I'm sorry. There._

_I've left some money for next month's bills under my pillow. Please let Tara go through our stuff and take what is hers and then burn or trash or donate or sell what is left and put the pennies you'd get to new light bulbs. I will not come and collect any of it._

_Finally, send my love to Giles and Tara. If you have any sympathy left for an idiot redhead who went over her head and ruined everything, please let Tara rent our old room. Because of Glory violating her mind and then me doing the same now she is probably living somewhere crowded and temporary. She shouldn't have to, she should live with her family that I've kept her away from with my idiocy. Please give her the other envelope._

_If you need to contact me for research help or to forward mail and bills, my UCSD email is the same. I have also rented a PO box downtown, number attached below, that I have a friend monitoring frequently. I have no phone and will probably not need one._

_I love you all. I'm sorry I'm so bad at showing it._

_Willow Danielle Rosenberg_   
_Retired Scoobie_

Buffy sighed. Not a damn-I've-lost-my-best-friend sigh. Not a oh-dear-I-wonder-if-she-is-okay sigh. Not even a oh-well-this'll-fix-itself-in-time sigh. No, this was a I-really-don't-have-the-energy-or-will-to-handle-this-but-if-I-don't-they'll-get-mad-at-me-and-Dawn-will-whine-and-I-really-don't-have-time-to-deal-with-that-right-now sigh. And all of them recognized it for what it was. On one hand, this was a lucky break. She was going to have to throw Willow out soon anyway and was just looking for an excuse. The lightbulb massacre could've worked but there was a risk of some of them, mainly Xander and Tara and perhaps Dawn, opposing it so Willow finally did her a solid and threw herself out.

It sucked but what else could she do? Willow is not in control and she was nothing but a distraction these days. She put Dawn in danger, ripped Buffy out of hell and put the entire group at risk with her idiotic table razing spell.  
And, to be frank, it irked Buffy quite a bit that she did all this while sleeping in Joyce's bedroom. She never even asked Buffy if it was okay.

Spike was right. Buffy heard Willow climb out. Buffy expected her to go back to that Rack guy to get doped out of her mind again so Buffy had planned to excuse herself with Spike and 'stumble' upon her on the way back so she could end this situation once and for all. Even better, nobody seemed to take notice of Spike outing her culpability so she didn't have to lie her way out of the situation.

Still, they expected her to lead so lead she would. She didn't hate Willow. She just could not be around her for a while. Willow is the cause for her hell on earth and everything she does to try to help only makes it worse.

"Alright guys. Since Will feel like she isn't welcome we need to find her and convince her otherwise. She is most likely just out, waiting to be found, so we should start the search in the most obvious places. The Espresso Pump, the UCSD library, Bronze..."

Dawn couldn't believe her ears. Willow has made mistakes, yes, but she wasn't some toddler packing a knapsack and running away for a couple of miles until a friendly neighbor found her.

"Oh my God, Buffy. Do you think that little of her? Do you think she is just doing this for attention? Willow is terrified and feels like crap and she need our help, she isn't some kid who need to be scolded and grounded. We need Tara on this, she knows Will better than anyone else."

While Dawn moved towards the phone and started to dial, Buffy rubbed the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes.

"No, she doesn't. I know Willow best and all her little cries for help. But fine, call her and remind her how her ex have screwed everything up. Again. This week. That'll do great for her mental well-being."

Dawn didn't respond to the barb. She had already relocated to the kitchen with the phone and spoke in hushed volume. Buffy reformed her strategy and continued.

"Okay, maybe she isn't out taking a day off. Xander, can you call the college housing and ask if she's applied for a new place?"

Xander fiddled with his shirt and suddenly found a piece of table leg suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

"Err, Buff? Willow is banned from renting any dorms. For good. Ever since Glory ripped down her wall and she fled with us for days they've been kind of angry with her. She's also known enough in the city that it'd be really hard for her to try to falsify records to rent another dorm room. I mean I can look but it's not like she can afford it either."

"Fine," Buffy spat out, growing increasingly frustrated. She was also getting a lot more worried now, what had Willow done now? "Alright, I'll just head over to her parents' home. She probably have both room and money there to coast through the rest of her college days."

The room was silent for a few seconds, the air thick with frustration from the inhabitants. Soon after, Dawn returned with phone in hand but lowered from her mouth.

"Uhh sis? Tara heard that and says that Willow is for sure not at her parents' place. They cut her off when she missed classes to help us against Glory, sent her stuff to her and redid her bedroom. She hasn't talked to them since. They both were about to be homeless when they moved in here to help me out when you were..."

A derisive snort from Spike is what finally forced Buffy to face the music. Willow had left, for good, and they have no idea where she had gone and she was not coming back.

"Fuck..."


	3. December 1, 2001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad planning, journal unionization, shoplifting and reunions!

"So she hasn't called or made any type of contact with you at all then? No signs of her at all?"

Buffy listened to the short response and gave her thanks before hanging up.

"Nothing from Angel's team. They had some stuff going on right now but Cordelia promised to do some sniffing around for us, as long as it didn't intervene in their regular work. I don't think she'd go to LA though, it's too close to home for her if she wants to go away."

Xander raised an eyebrow at her. Didn't she go to LA just to do that? She knew what he was thinking and responded with a frown.

"Yeah yeah, I know. I'm not her. She doesn't do anything half-assed. If she doesn't want to show, she won't show."

The door opened and Tara entered, carrying boxes with Dawn in tow helping out.

"I still don't feel like this is the right thing to do, Dawnie. It feels like I'm driving her away from ever coming back to you all. You're everyone she knows and care about, really."

Dawn opened her mouth to protest and froze. Was that really true? Willow has always been the cool sister to her, so chatty without being invasive and until recently it felt like nothing could put her down. Not since Buffy's death. But who else did she have? She spent almost all of her free time in their home, researching or cleaning or cooking or studying or helping Dawn with her homework. When she went out she went out with the scoobies. Her stint with the campus Wicca was very short-lived after befriending Tara. What was left, old high school friends? Cordelia was in LA and Amy was probably the least popular person in her life right now. She decided to fib it to soothe Tara's worry.

"No no, she has a bunch of friends. I'm sure she is at one of her study buddy's places right now, trying to reorganize and do some self-improvement! I mean, it's Will!"

Tara offered a smile but Dawn doubted she bought the lie. Still, if there's something the scoobies did well these days it was to deny the facts and accept the lie so she turned to Buffy to change the subject.

"Hey Buffy! We checked out the bus stop again but still no sign of her. Did Angel find her? Is she okay?"

Her name shook Buffy out of her reverie and brought her back to earth. She can fantasize about Spike later.

"Huh? Oh, no, nothing there. Willy hasn't seen or heard anything either. Are you sure you had no more luck with the locator spell, Tara?"

The witch shook her head slightly. Buffy didn't know that Tara had tried the spell over a dozen times already, all of them with Dawn to aid. She needed a second and she didn't think Buffy would appreciate her little sister being part of it. Dawn had insisted, though. She thought that she had chased Willow away. She never wanted Willow gone, she was just angry and rightfully so. Tara held her after the first try resulted in a complete NOPE in the success column and Dawn finally broke down crying. Dawn had cursed herself, Buffy, Willow, Anya and Spike for chasing Willow away.

Last evening she had dropped by Tara's dorm that she was renting second-hand with the offer of returning home, for good. Tara said no at first but after Dawn told her, in detail, of the conversation during the dinner that preceded the lightbulb massacre. She told Tara what the others were debating to do and Tara knew that Willow would never be welcome to return. She also knew that Dawn was scared of what they'd do if they ever found Willow. Xander wouldn't want to hurt her but he was afraid of his oldest friend and Dawn knew that he'd follow Buffy's lead in the end.

So she accepted the offer to return. Packing up was quick, she didn't have a lot of stuff and a good part of it remained in the Summers home. Here she could try to find Willow and keep Dawn safe and loved.

And if, when, they found Willow then she'd actually have a say in what would happen. And most important of all, she'd ask Willow what she wanted. Will had done her wrong, she would never forget that, but what the others suggested was ranging from barbaric to outright torture.

How the hell had everything turned so dark?

***

_Okay, so that wasn't the best thought out plan in recent memory. Or it was, considering the competition it was up against. Still, forgetting that there are two nights between moving out and being able to access my new home and moving out without my winter coat does not put much stock in the whole Genius Willow idea that people used to have about me._

_I had planned to write in you yesterday but the pencil broke from my fingers shivering last morning so hey, a day off from the eternal whining of a dumb geek. Casual Fridays indeed._

_I wonder if journals can unionize? Maybe they'll start asking for softer pencils. And a limit on folding corners. Oh, and secure locks! Maybe a pay based on a word count basis instead of number of entries. I wonder what you'd be called when you do the whole collective bargaining thing; Journal and Entries Federation of Earth? Yeah, that'd work. The representative could be the el Jefe of JEFE._

_But yeah, I've finally landed in my new home. My last home, probably. I've prepaid for a month and the money I got left put me into a strict ramen and cheap beer diet for the rest of the year. My old Christmas gifts I had gotten for Dawn and Tara were already bought, I'd just send then anonymously a few days ahead._

_Fat load of good that'd do, they'd still know it was me. No matter what I got them, Tara would know it was me. She always found me. Until I chase her away, made her want to lose me instead. Made her hate me. Hold on for a moment!_

_***_

_Alright, back now! I'm glad you're a journal and not some recording device so you don't have to suffer through my breakdown whining. It's bad enough I have to listen to myself feel sorry for being a monster, you shouldn't have to suffer through it as well. Maybe you should contact your coworkers and start up that union after all._

_I did a quick headcount yesterday while hiding out on the streets during the day. I didn't have enough for a new coat so I bought myself a dark hoodie instead. It's not as warm but better than my other clothes and it protects others from seeing me. They shouldn't have to suffer monsters during the daytime, Sunnydale has enough of them during the night._

_I also found myself an alley with cover from both wind and vision. There, I used Tara's memento as a foci for two different protection spells. One was to ensure regular location spells no longer can find me while I'm wearing it. The other was the same but for vampires, including their smell. Obviously it wouldn't work if I went and punched one in the face but as long as I keep in the shadows I should be safe. I'm good at hiding in plain sight. It's easy when you're just plain._

_I managed to go to my classes though. No point not to, I no longer could hide out in the darkness of the house with my poopbucket and my well motivated self-loathing. Fortunately, none of the classes I shared with Tara are scheduled on fridays. She shouldn't have to suffer just because I don't have anything better to do._

_In the future, I'll ensure I'll stay in her dead zone when we got classes together. I know where she loves to sit so I can plan my own positioning based on her own._

_Who am I kidding, I already got a whole map planned out in case she decided to sit somewhere else or her seat is already taken. As long as she doesn't sit next to the professor I should be safe. She should be safe. From me. Because she isn't safe around me. Nobody is._

_***_

_Okay, that pause wasn't for a breakdown for once! I just had to update my map so I could ensure she wouldn't see me if she sat next to the lecturer. You never know, maybe some monster attack the night before and destroy a bunch of the seats and the only free seat left in the room is up there and who wouldn't want her to sit up there for everyone to see. She is so smart and pretty and gorgeous and sexy and I would totally ace the Tara Appreciation 101 course once they realized what they had on their hands and set it up as a regular option. Problem would be attendance since everyone and their dog would apply and suddenly we need the football field just to seat everyone._

_The PO box sat empty. Obviously. Only checked because I didn't have anything better to do after classes. Saw Amy as I left the building, too. Unfortunately, she saw me first. Apparently she had tried to find me but only met Buffy who told me I was out. I don't know if I should appreciate that she didn't give more or be mad that she think I'm going back. Yeah, I'm totally only running away for attention from the Big Saint Buffy. I can't do anything if it doesn't revolve around her. I bet you five packets of ramen that she think I got together with Tara because Tara used to dye her hair blonde and that was as close to Buffy I could get._

_For the record, it wasn't. Buffy has never been attractive in that way for me. Probably because before I realized that boys weren't for me I had already helped her clean out blood and entrails from her hair so many times that her body lost all appeal for me. And if nothing else, preparing her corpse for burial cemented the lack of me-into-youness of it all. Also, Tara is a lot more attractive with her natural brown hair than when she dyed it. Not that she wasn't already gorgeous when we met but just like everything else with Tara her hair is best experienced unaltered by chemicals. Pure Tara is the best Tara._

_I miss her. I miss her like nothing else. I've sworn to not contact her without her approval though. I took away her ability to chose before and I will never push her again. She have my contact info and room number in her letter, it's up to her if she ever wants to drop by to kick the crap out of me or spit on me or just tell me to take a long walk on Kingman's Bluff. I wouldn't blame her if she just burned the letter without even opening it. Would probably be for the best._

_Anyway, Amy tried to get me to go back to Rack. She actually gripped my arm and tried to pull me when I tried to let her down easily. I was just about to throw her through the wall when I stopped myself. It was so natural. So instead, I punched her in the face. Tara once(no, often, because I'm a dummy who failed my girlfriend exams) asked me "why use magic when mundane means would be enough" and this time I actually answered right!_

_Not according to Amy though. She cursed at me nasally as I was running away. I might have broken her nose. Good. It's not my fault she turned herself into a rat. It's not my fault she hates me. My hand hurts though. Sorry about the wiggly handwriting by the way, my hand still is quite achey._

_On my long route back to the room I passed a hunting store. I snuck inside and stole one of those expandey batons from their self-defense shelf. I feel bad about that but I am out of non-food money and I don't want to use my sickle in case Amy or anyone else tries to accost me. And I need to be unaccostable. Too many people are mad at me and even though almost all of them should be I need to be able to protect myself from the rest._

_And as today have proven, I'm not too good with the whole sneaky hidey stuff when it comes to those not of the scooby persuasion._

_***_

_I got mail! Dawnie contacted me with a computer at her school. She blame herself for me leaving. Oh Dawnie. It's not her fault. I should have known she would blame herself, it's not like her abandonment issues are unwarranted and now I've made them worse. Again. I sent a mail to explain that she is not to blame at all and that she could always contact me if she wanted to talk. I love her like a sister and if she wants to talk to me she can, even if it's just by mail. I can't risk her well-being by being near her. I hope she understands that. I never want to see the fear in her eyes as I did the other day. I want her safe and safe can't be bought when Willowy things are on sale._

_It's time for my meditations and magic dispersal now. There's a lot of dust here and I don't want to get burned at the stake for another sneeze. TV is already on the fritz so shouldn't be a lot of distractions. After that, I need to dig up an old disk that I'm sure I packed. It's time to ask for help from an old friend._


	4. December 21, 2001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuletide, religion, isolation, anti-pimpin' and the consequences of poor hygiene.

_Happy Winter Solstice, friend. Or Yule, if you prefer. Sorry(or You're Welcome) about the complete lack of communication these last weeks. I've just been busy. Sorry about the lack of a yule log but I'm pretty sure I'd get evicted if I lit one up in here. No chimney makes it a rather dangerous proposition. But hey, I've managed to scrounge some money together and prepaid for another month here. Didn't even bother to ask about the TV, never realized how little I actually cared about it ever since Xena went off the air. I did ask them to turn up the heat but the boiler is apparently already overworked so not much to do there._

_It's... bad. I never realized how much worse the cold and quiet makes the already mind numbing loneliness. I haven't spoken to anyone since I met Amy at the PO box and we all see how that went. Oh, and a girl who rented the room next door once. I've downloaded some more music though. I needed something to drown the sounds of hookers doing the rounds in the neighboring rooms. I'm not mad at them, they do what they have to do to survive, but I could do without the running commentary. I don't play music loud enough to drown it out completely. Partly because I'd get the manager sent over and risk my shelter but also because I've had to intervene thrice. Twice when the trick was a vampire who went too far and needed some penetration of their own and once when a man didn't respect the set boundaries._

_He didn't get the stake, though. I gusted him away from her and kneed him in the crotch. With the sickle to his throat he quickly saw the error in his ways and paid double without continuing the session. That's actually how I ended up with enough money to rent another month. The poor girl wanted to give me some of it as thanks but I refused. I'm not a pimp, they shouldn't need to pay for protection. She then offered a more basic currency and I backed away as politely as I could, reminding her to be loud if it happen again so there's a chance someone can hear it._

_The next morning I woke up with a thick envelope on my doormat. Apparently the girl had talked to her, err, friends at 'work' and heard of the other times I had helped out. They collected some spare cash and gave it with a note telling me, in no uncertain terms, that it was NOT a payment for services rendered nor a request to make it a service. It was an early christmas gift._

_I tried to return it but the room was emptied and honestly, I'm okay with it. It paid for the month coming up and extends my food budget enough that I only have to skip food every third day rather than every other. The last of the instant coffee was gone after only a few days here but by now the shakes and headaches have become less of the unfriendly kind._

_Dawn mail me every now and then. Sometimes with help for homework, even though that's often an obvious excuse and we're both okay with that, but sometimes to talk. Buffy rarely talk with her anymore and Spike no longer spend any time with her when he is over. Buffy says they are 'strategizing' in her bedroom for future patrols but Dawn ain't stupid and they're not quiet. Dawn would've been okay with it if they'd just told her instead of treating her like an idiot. I understand her. I know how it is to be on the outside of the inner circle, even when I was part of it. Tara talk with Dawnie a lot though. It makes me smile. I was afraid I had ruined their relationship with my abuse but it's grown even stronger ever since Tara moved back in._

_She says that Tara isn't happy either, though. She's glad for a home with her family but apparently Buffy had attached an implicit rider to her offer of room; she is now responsible for housekeeping. She cooks and clean and pays her part of the utility bills. Which is half of them, despite her not using much electricity or the TV. Dawn help out with cleaning, eager to spend time with her, but even Dawnie admit that she sometime takes it for granted even without thinking about it._

_I'm afraid I've accidently set Tara up for a similar family as her biofam. Abuse from me followed with the expectations for her to be the housewife on top of her own things. Once again I make her life worse. No wonder she never responded to the envelope I left her when I moved out. It's my own damn fault for being a dummy and thinking I could ever get the chance to fix what I dusted._

_At least she hasn't seen me in our classes. The map worked perfectly! Wearing my hoodie, which SO does not fit my usual clothes, and sitting in her deadzone has made me invisgal, master of hiding in plain sight._

_While I haven't talked I've spent a lot of time writing. I found the old disc of Ms Calendar's notes from when I took over her class. I'm glad I copied them over from those old floppies to a CD, my laptop doesn't even have floppy support anymore. In those notes I found some old emails from an USEnet group for technopagans. As silly as I was told, very emphatically and repeatedly, by Giles that it was I found it quite interesting once I actually went through it all. It's not some unified religion like the catholic church and basically every pagan branch have their own modern offshoot, often several. I actually found myself identifying a lot with the, I guess you would call them, technonorse? Sound like some dance music band from Finland._

_But yeah, I read about the Norse religion and boy did I know a lot less about that than I thought. That led to borrowing books from the library and then contacting one of Jenny's old penpals who is helping me a lot from her home in Sweden. She wasn't born in the belief but is a convert like me and is a practicing witch as well. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I've basically turned Norse Native. It just spoke to me in a way that my parents' beliefs never did. Not even Tara's adherence to the Celtic religions reached me like this ever did. I think it might be because I wasn't ready for it before. And that might have led to me never taking it as serious as Tara did. She never demanded I convert or even believed the same as her, she just wanted me to respect it and I couldn't even do that properly._

_I'm trying, baby. I'm sorry for being so slow on the uptake._

_I must admit, it's been a bit of a challenge to draw more from the Norse sources of power than what I used to. No more pure dark hellmouthy magic for me. Hasn't touched it since the crash. I use the elements a lot more now and hey, at least I'm picking up some old Norse words when learning their spells._

_But my new friend, an older lady in her 50's who is the high priestess in their coven, is very nice and help me a lot. Ella has patience with me and gives very clear instructions to ensure I don't jump through any hoops. She trust me not to, though, or else she wouldn't help me anyway. At least that's what she says but if she trust me I must give her the trust that she is honest so I guess I trust her. Gotta fund that trust._

_She has also talked to me a lot about redemption. I've talked to her about my life since I started being all witchy and my failures and mistakes and she told me to contact someone I really don't want to talk to or apologize to but who I really should. She didn't say who but I already know the only person that fit in that category and, wait hold on._

***

Willow stood up and looked at the door, leaving the pencil by the journal. Did someone just knock? Was the music too loud? Maybe it's the trick coming back for revenge. Or shit, Amy? She reached for the baton and hid it in her sleeve as she quietly moved towards the door. Slowly she opened the door and froze as she realized who it was.

"Dawnie?"

The youngest of the Summers girls barely heard her inquiring whisper and almost recoiled when she realized she didn't get the wrong door. She barely recognized one of her oldest friends. Willow was always thin, yes, but this frail girl with a gaunt expression looked like some outlandish parody of her. The hair was greasy and the lack of a recent shower was obvious even at a glance. She wore a large black hoodie and her skirt was dirty with dried mud at the bottom.

"C-can I come in?"

Willow didn't respond, her expression frozen in fear, but backed into the room to let her guest enter. As she closed the door she looked down on the floor, ashamed of being found out and steeling herself for the abuse she knew was coming and deserved.

Dawn didn't notice her change in manner. She was too shocked at seeing the condition of Willow's home. No, her hovel. The floor was covered in discarded remains of what looked like spell and ritual ingredients and the bed seemed to be more a storage of clothes than a sleeping area. One corner had a large garbage bag of beer bottles that was full and overflowing since at least a couple of days ago. Next to it was another bag that wasn't full, but clearly well on it's way there, with empty ramen packages. Nothing but ramen. The smell was bad. Really bad. It was a parody of bad smells.

Dawn stood there, losing track of time, until she noticed that Willow had dug out her bags and started pushing her clothes into them with a style that could charitably be described as frantic and panicked. That shook her from her distractions.

"Wait, Will, what are you doing?"

Willow mumbled something she didn't hear. She asked her to repeat that and Willow stopped mid-motion without looking up or turning.

"I can't stay. If they find me they will end me and I won't be Willow. I don't want them to make me unwillowy. I want to be me."

Dawn looked over her shoulder at the door and the covered windows. Was Willow being chased by demons? Did she just lead them here?

"Who will find you? Can I help? Do you want me to run for Buffy?"

Mentioning her sister brought the panic in Willow to her eyes as she turned to Dawn and cowered.

"No, please. Not her. She would take my mind. Take my soul. Take my Willowness. She would send me to hell to make me an unwillow, to be her dumb sidekick again. Or she would chip me and make me a dog without bite. Or she would tell Spike to run a spike to my brain to cut out my magic. She would make me even worse than I am. They would. She would tell them and they would do. As they always do."

Cold sweat ran along Dawn's spine as she realized that Willow wasn't running from demons or Amy or Rack or criminals. She was running from them. From the scoobies. It should have been obvious. Last time she saw Willow they had talked openly about inhumane treatments against her will and then she had an accident and ran. No wonder she was terrified from Dawn's arrival. She stepped up to Willow and embraced her in a hug, Willow's cowering stance making her seem even smaller than she already was.

"No no no. Willow, we wouldn't do that. Okay, Anya and Spike would but we wouldn't. We were mad and scared and didn't know what to do. They didn't send me to bring you in or distract you, I'm here because I miss you and wanted to talk to you."

Willow finally returned the embrace, weakly, and then shuffled towards the bed to sit down. She didn't look up as she asked the question that would decide if she was still with a roof in the next few minutes.

"Do... D-do they know where I am or that you have found me?"

Dawn shook her head without hesitation and sat down next to Willow, holding her up with an arm over the shoulder as Willow visibly relaxed and rested her head on Dawn's shoulder.

"How did you even find me? I thought you said that everyone stopped looking after a few days."

Dawn frowned. She wasn't wrong. Within a week the only ones still looking were Tara and her. Xander helped a few days longer than the rest but stopped after Anya put her foot down. Spike never helped at all, even after Buffy tried to do a token push for it. Giles only claimed that Willow had to help herself before they acted or she'd never learn to stand on her own. Obviously he drank away all his summer memories but Dawn hadn't. She remember that it was Will and Tara who kept them afloat, not some drunken librarian. Dawn never asked for his help again.

"Not everyone. Tara and I have kept looking. We never stopped. She doesn't know I'm here though. I just got a hunch after school and worked it until I got here. You see, when I had my final period of the day I realized that you must still be enrolled at college since you kept your student email. That led to the realization that, well, you had to be the one checking the PO box. Why send someone else if you're in the area anyway? So, I ran there after class and caught you just as you closed it. After that it was a simple tailing job until you got here and once I heard the music in your room I knew it had to be you. So I waited for a while, thinking that I should tell Tara if nothing else. But then I didn't know if you had made me so I decided to up my sleuth and knock and here we are! Pretty smartypantsy done, right?"

Willow couldn't help but smile with pride. She had underestimated the littlest Scooby again and couldn't be happier about it.

"Yeah, I completely blanked on that trail of evidence. I mean, I've made myself unscryably hidden from both vampire senses and most spells and Tara never noticed me in our shared classes. Didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in school just because I'm too much of a coward to just drop out. Please don't tell her I still go because she is too nice to tell me to stop and then she'll stop and all will be bad and holdonasecondtheremissy! Why was Tara looking? I told her the room number and motel and everything in the letter I made out for her. Wait, did she burn the letter without reading and now want to ensure I stay away? Because I will! I'll leave the city for good, the state even. I'll hitchhike east and she never has to see me again. She is too nice to have to spend energy hating me. I don't want her to hate..."

Dawn would've giggled at the impressive ramble if she wasn't caught in the implications of it. Tara never mentioned the letter in their long talks the last three weeks but Dawn remember Xander bringing it down and Buffy taking it and...

"Buffy has the letter. She must've kept it after the dinner and never gave it to Tara. She never gave her the damn letter. Damn Buffy doing what's best for everyone, nobody else is even worth considering. AAARGH!"

Willow reached over and gave Dawn a hug to try to calm her down. She didn't disagree but she didn't want to turn her against her sister. The scoobies must be protected, especially from monsters such as herself.

"Sooooooo. I see that your cast has come off. Arm feeling better?"

Dawn just stared at her incredulously for several seconds, unable to fathom the complete turnaround, before she started to giggle.

They talked a while before Dawn had to hurry to the Magic Box to meet up with Tara. Before she left she had promised not to tell Tara about the address and to get the letter from Buffy first so Tara could make her a fully informed decision. She had also promised, without Willow having to even ask her, to not tell anyone else. Finally, she got three packages. Two small gifts for christmas for her and Tara and one sealed and postage envelope to be mailed.

The address field read:

_Northern California Women's Facility_   
_7150 Arch Road_   
_Stockton, CA 95213_   
_Prisoner ID 430019_

***

_Sorry about that, journal. I just got, err, things happened. I really need to meditate to reboot my brain cause it's currently everywhere but contained in my little head. We'll chat later, ok?_


	5. Protocols of Evildoers Anonymous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Correspondance, recognition, conjugal nonvisits and the three big Ds.

_Hi Faith!_

_Uhh, hi! Merry Christmas and all that! I hope the big house let you celebrate a little bit at least. I mean, it's not like they could stop you, as in you in particular, from doing so if you wanted to anyway ifyouknowwhatImean?_

_Oh. It's Willow. Sorry, I don't usually write letters, only email, but something told me you wouldn't have access to a computer and even if you did I don't know your email or do you get your own email like I got for college or is it hotmail and AOL only?_

_Sorry for bothering you, by the way. I heard from Cordelia last spring that Angel visit you there now and then and, well, I wanted to talk if that's okay. I can't visit, I got no money or car for that, and I've been without a phoneline for the last three weeks. I'll explain later if you want but in short, stuff happened. Stuff I did that have forced me to realize, amongst other things, how badly and unfairly I have treated you since the day we met._

_I'm sorry. I've said that a lot the last couple of months but it doesn't diminish how incredibly and completely honest I am when I say that I'm sorry._

_I never should have gotten jealous of you just because Buffy didn't want to protect me when patrolling. I never should have slutshamed you over and over for a year, no matter the reason. Hell, I wish I was as confident as you are and have always been. I never should have kept quiet when nobody offered to include you in other social activities. I never should have ignored in what kind of dump you were forced to live in before Wilkins gave you the chance you should've gotten from us long before._

_And trust me, I know how bad it is. I'm living in the very same room right now. Found an indentation in the wall that I think you caused. Frustrated punch? Can't blame you, wouldn't recommend accosting the support beam though. Could get messy. I should have offered you a place in my home as soon as I realized how bad it was. I was living there by myself anyway and my parents would never have found out. I'm sorry for what I said to you, knife-to-throat notwithstanding. You didn't give up your friendship with Buffy, she never really offered it to you. She offered you nothing but the idea of possibly being a friend to her but it was all on her conditions. It has always been like that._

_I'm so very sorry. I know it's too little and too late and if I could do anything to make it better I would. Except dark magic. I'm not doing that anymore. Not for you, not for Xander, not for Buffy, not for Tara and not for me. Not for anyone._

_Thank you for reading. Or at least opening. Or considering to open it before throwing it away. Wouldn't blame you if you did. If, for some strange reason, you wish to respond to my inane writing you can find the return address enclosed. Please do not give that to anyone. Not Angel, not my parents, not Xander and especially not Buffy. I promise I will never bother you again if you don't want me to but please don't do that. I can't afford a new place to live and I don't have any winter clothes for sleeping in an alley._

_Thank you and sorry again. I sent a few bucks to the commissary as a christmas gift. It's not much but I really want to eat something today so I can't send more._

_Willow_

_***_

_Wow._

_Just. Wow._

_Not much for words, Red, as you know. But damn that was one impressive string of words. I heard it in your voice and imagined you collapsing all blue by the third sentence._

_It's okay. We're square. I'm sorry too, for what it's worth. For everything. You got caught up in the bitchfest between me and B but damn if you didn't put up one hell of a fight yourself. Wasn't your job to house me either even if I am now wondering just how freaky our sleepovers would be since you switched teams. Shame we missed it._

_Please tell Blondie I'm sorry for being a bitch to her when we met. Shouldn't have happened._

_I'll begin with answering your questions as orderly as I can. It's a challenge tho, you realize that? You shift thoughts faster that Xan shift readiness, which is saying something._

_I could do what I want but I won't. Not causing trouble here. If someone push me I'll push back but trying to be better than what I was so no punch down walls and guards. They leave me to me so we're good, most of the time._

_No computers, period. Never owned one anyway. Didn't even have power most of the time growing up._

_And no problem with you not visiting. Nobody but Angel does, anyway, and this is the first letter I ever got, inside or outside the "big house" as you call it. Been watching late night girly movies in cinemax, huh? What the hell happened that left you in that roach infestation without money or phone? And why the hell are you hiding from your people? Some, err, pandemic going around in Sunny D that makes people act weird?_

_In case you haven't realized, our communication is monitored. I'll bribe a friendly screw to smuggle this without getting looked into but can't do the same with incoming so watch your word when you write._

_If you write. I'd love to know what's going on because shit seems freaky. If it was just empty promises just throw this away or whatever, I hope it wasn't though. Breaks up ~~the mono~~ ~~the moton~~ the doing of nothing around here._

_I will admit, you talking crap about me and calling me a slut hurt. I appreciate the candor but trust me, you should keep that blond girl and stay with her. Seems a lot better than what I did even if I do fill out those leather pants like a queen._

_And yeah I punched that, didn't know about the beam. Hurt like hell but had to do something after B bitched me out after we, no, I accidently killed that suit._

_Allan Finch. I killed him and if nothing else he deserve the respect of being remembered._

_That reminds me. I'm sorry for telling the mayor that you were trying to access his computer. He sent a vampire hit squad after you but since I never heard of what happened to them I figure that they got dusted on the way. Still, I knew what he was doing and I'm really glad he failed, for what it's worth. God, did you know? If you didn't, would you even have written if you did?_

_Don't know much about magic but sounds like dark magic is of the bad kind? Good that you quit, even if I didn't know that you did. I guess you've gotten a lot more witchy since we met at the Bronze two years ago, huh? That's how you figured out B wasn't me? Or me wasn't B? You know what I mean._

_But it's not too late. It's never too late to apologize. I hope it's not at least, kind of banking on it myself. Thanks for the money and I promise I'll keep the adress to myself. Memorized and ate the paper, even, so you're good. No need to send more money though, I get three square here a day so it seems like you need it more than I do. Weren't you kind of loaded? Dad got jacked for tax fraud or what?_

_Stay safe and keep warm_   
_Faith_

_***_

_Hi Faith!_

_So glad you wrote back. Thanks for the tip about the guards reading. It's why this letter appeared in your back pocket instead of the regular way. But hey, it's faster. Should still be warm from when I folded it a couple of minutes ago. Neato, isn't it? I just had to visualize where I wanted to teleport it and it's there!_

_And I tried the "read in your words" thing and while you wouldn't collapse due to oxygen malfunction I could almost hear the eyebrows wiggling. Several times._

_But no, sleepovers wouldn't have been freaky. I was as much of a damp towel back then as I am today, the only difference now is that I've chased everyone but Dawn away now._

_I would tell Tara but she doesn't want anything to do with me. I violated her memory and she left me. For good, and I don't blame her. I didn't cross a line, I demolished it with a damn combine harvester._

_As to what happened. I got hooked on the power that dark magic give you. I am good with magic, of many kinds, but dark magic came easier and faster and is all hellmouthy so it's like they shout the loudest when my spirit do the auction house bidding for a source of magic._

_I kept pushing my spells and rituals, too. Had to be the good scoobie. Had to kill the next monster. Had to help Buffy stop the big bad. Had to hurt a hellgod. Twice. Had to resurrect Buffy after she died. Had to tear her out of heaven because I thought she was in hell._

_Every time I did something big I got so exhausted that I used magic for small stuff. Cleaning, dishwashing, closing the window. Tara said I was going too far and I was being an idiot, I ignored her. Then I made some party supplies on Xander and Anya's engagement party and we fought. I panicked and thought she'd leave me and just wanted another chance to I removed her memory of the fight. Nothing else but it's bad enough. I was disgusting, I took away her ability to choose and she found out._

_Off course she found out. She's really smart, you know? Not just incredibly gorgeous but smart and strong with the Wicca, both magic and the ideas and religion. She is kinder than anyone I know and when she smiles it makes all the pain in the world go away._

_And I violated her mind. Again. Tried to make her forget what I did and tried to make Buffy forget heaven because she had just tried to kill herself by dancing to go back and I didn't want her to die. I want her alive, even if she hates me. Better alive and hating me than dead and not hating me._

_So Tara left me and I spun out of control. Without Tara there was nothing left but the magic. Buffy was too busy sleeping with Spike. Yeah, that happened. Still happening from what I understand. They think they're discrete about it too. Xander and Anya were busy with planning their wedding. Giles left. Dawn was a gem like always but she has her own life. So I started partying with Amy the rat. Remember her? Did you ever meet her? Anyway, she brought me to a disgusting creep warlock called Rack. He doped me up with what could be considering pure heroin in magic form. And then I brought Dawn to the magic den._

_Long story short, I drove into a wall with my best friend teenage sister in the car. We had outrun the demon I accidentally summoned but to be honest? I saw the wall coming._

_I didn't want to survive the crash. I still kind of wish I didn't. I only regret being an ass and high off my ass and bringing Dawn along. She was lucky enough, only had to wear a cast for a couple of week on her arm._

_I snuck out a couple of days after that. They(not Tara, she was avoiding me) discussed sending me to magic rehab in some hell dimension or binding my magic or lobotomizing me or even putting in a chip like Spike but for magic. When I tried to protest I sneezed and accidently blew out all the lightbulbs in the area. I was out twenty minutes after that and moved here where I stayed by myself until the day I wrote my first letter. I was about to post it when Dawn managed to find me._

_She's really smart. I think she might turn out fine, despite all the shit she has to put up with. She promised not to tell them where I am because I don't know what they'll do if they find me. I can stop them all but I don't want to hurt them. They used to be my friends, my family. Dawn was nice though. She doesn't hate me anymore, she says. I hope it's true. She's my little extra sis._

_Oh, and my parents disowned me when Tara got ill and Buffy died, that's why my money is no more. Went to Buffy's funeral and for Dawn's bills for the house. Tara and I lived with her until we brought Buffy back so we wouldn't be homeless since that hellgod destroyed our home._

_Oh and about that whole kill-me-with-vamps thing? No biggie. I mean yeah I kinda freaked when I read about it and no I had no clue that it's where my vampire doppelgänger recruited her minions but I don't care anymore, it's old news. Or, new news about old non-news. Thank you for telling me though, it explains why the files were gone when I got through because darn tootin' did I get through!_

_I promise I'll visit if I'm ever able to. No funny stuff though, I'm all about Tara even if Tara is nothing about Willow anymore. Keeping my distance though, no creeping on her or even contacting her without expressed consent._

_Sad Sack was a sittin' on a block of stone_   
_Way over in the corner weepin' all alone_   
_Willow Redsenberg_

_***_

_God DAMN did you scare the crap out of me. First off, there's no back pockets in the prison scrubs so that letter went inside the pants instead. And I go commando. Almost got escorted out of the library. I thought you wanted people to read more, Red? Or what HAVE you been doing all these years when you say you're studying?_

_Does this mean that you visualized my ass to send it to my back pocket? Didn't know you had such a sharp memory of my famously hot piece. Good to know, Red!_

_But yeah, you fucked up. Big time. And you realized you did and you're trying to do right by them. That's good, and you realized it before it went too far. That's gooder._

_Bad break on your living sitch, good on you for getting out though. Keep your head down and keep an eye out for another watcher wet squad. Wouldn't put it past them to send a helicopter after a witch they couldn't control. They sent one heli after me before I turned myself in. No regard for collateral damage, either. Can't believe B though. Not that she's screwing Spike, that was completely expected, but that she's willing to fuck you up that big. What she can't control she destroy seems to remain her MO. I'm glad blondie and the brat seems to remain on the up and up though. Blondie might be angry, which she has the right to, but she must know how fucked up the rest of them are acting, right?_

_Commish is out of stamps until after the winter break so can't write for a while. Wait to send your next message until, say, the tenth so we'll have a bit to catch up with, ait?_

_Welcome to EA. That's Evildoer Anonymous. I'll be your sponsor. Stay clean, both from that dark magic shit but also from Elvis songs. Nothing good can come from abusing those._   
_Faith_

***

Willow read through the letter twice and smiled. It seems like Faith was giving her the chance to be better. If nothing else they were kindred spirits in regret and loneliness, prisoners of choice both. A welcome break from the realization that Tara did, with all certainty, not want to talk Willow. She had cleaned the hotel room floor, gotten a shower at the women's' spa and aired out the living area for no good reason in her mind; Willow feeling she is more deserving of living in filth. Dawn was a top sleuth when it came to snooping through Buffy's stuff, she must've found the letter by now and given it to Tara. Hopefully she isn't mad at Dawn for having gone to the motel. Willow suddenly panicked by the realization that she might demand that Dawn stay away for good.

It took eight point four seconds before the panic attack, or 'breakdown' as Willow like to call them, broke out in full. It continued in strength for a little less than an hour and then started to ebb out. Fifteen minutes after that, the aftermath of the attack still lingering in her head and threatening to resurface in full, she was forced to attention by a tingling feeling in her neck that was soon followed by a light tapping sound. Someone was at the door. Only one someone.

She stood up quickly and brushed her clothes and hair in a few seconds. She spent a micro-second considering using magic but it was never an actual option, just an extremely idle and stupid thought. She looked through the peephole and a mixture of delight, dread and despair filled her mind. She opened the door and tried to stay calm as her eyes considered that the peephole had not been enhanced to only show the prettiest woman in the world when you looked through.

"Tara!"


	6. January 3, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock Dawnes, the second letter and some well-deserved quiet

'Oh no oh yes she's here why is she here is she mad she doesn't look mad is she happy is she glad I'm alone is she happy nobody can help me if she want to gut me is she going to kill me make it fast please don't leave traces so the cops can find you why isn't she killing me already is she here to forgive me kiss me throw me into the bed and ravage me no she is just preparing to spit on me she is scouting me out for Buffy to jump in and hold me and drag me to Spike to lobotomize me and make me their Willow again loyal Willow puppy Willow unwillow is she waiting for me to talk oh no I'm rude I haven't invited her in oh if she didn't hate me before she hates me now.'

"Y-you wanna come in," she offered meekly and stepped back into the room. Tara followed, her face frozen in an unreadable expression. She took in her surrounding and went to the window to let in some sunshine. She left the lights off, Willow had them out for a reason. After a quick glance she noticed the lightbulbs were removed from both the nightstand and roof fixtures.

'She's doing a little bit better than what Dawn said. Must have cleaned up after the surprise visit but Goddess what is she eating? She is fading away. What's that smell? Where's the shower? There's no shower in the bathroom? Oh, Sweetie. How did you get so... gone?'

***

_Three hours earlier_

"Finally!"

Dawn was just about to give up. She's looked everywhere in their home for the letter, several times over, but it seemed like Buffy must have either throwed the letter away or taken it somewhere else. Where else could she trust that nobody else would find it? Who would she trust to keep it secret.

The crypt, obviously. Once she figured that out it took less than five minutes in Spike's hidey hole to find the envelope, still in prime and unopened condition. No idea where Spike and Buffy were but she didn't really care anymore. A quick sprint back home and up to her room to wait for Tara to return from the library. Finally, she didn't have to lie for Willow anymore. She hated lying to Tara. She never should've promised but Willow looked so desperate and it was the least she could do. And at least Tara got her present from Willow for christmas. She didn't know when it was dropped off but Dawn was pretty certain that Tara knew Willow was still in the city.

The front door opened and closed and the footsteps in the stairs were accompanied by a familiar humming as Tara made her way to her room. Dawn followed her with an apologetic smile, hands behind her back, and Tara crossed her arms in anticipation after she put her bag down.

"So Dawnie, are you finally ready to tell me what you've been hiding these last two weeks?"

Dawnie swallowed air. Off course Tara knew she'd been hiding something. Tara always knew. Why didn't she confront her before? Because she trusted her to be honest when it mattered. Alright, now is when it really matter. Cards on the table.

"Okay. All out there is coming up. I found Willow. A couple of days before christmas. She made me promise not to tell you until I gave you this letter. She left it for you when she left but Buffy's been hiding it for some reason and I've spent every available moment since trying to find it and give it to you. She said it'd explain why she made me promise her to not tell you. Please don't be mad at her. Or me! I just wanted to keep my promise. I didn't want to chase her away again."

She held out the letter to Tara who ignored it and embraced her instead. After remaining as such for several seconds she ensured Dawn she was not mad at her and was actually proud that Dawn was able to be true to Willow despite her misgivings. After she pulled away she took the letter and looked at it. For two minutes she just looked at it, anxiously.

"Sweetie, I am not mad but I need to do this alone. She wrote this for me and I need to read and process what's inside. I'll speak with you when I'm done but remember, I'm not mad at you. You did good finding it and giving it to me and I'll always be thankful for that, okay?"

Dawn nodded with a pensive smile and backed out of Tara's room, quietly closing the door as if she were to wake someone up if she was too loud. Inside, Tara sat down on her bed for several minutes before finally opening the letter. The envelope was worn from dirt and tear and the dust implied it hasn't been moved from wherever Buffy had hid it until Dawn found it.

_Hi Tara_

_I'm sorry. I have done you wrong and nothing I can do can change that._

_I'm leaving. I've told the others I'm going to be unfindable but that isn't true. I've attached my living arrangements, at least for the upcoming month, because I've taken away your choices enough for several lifetimes and you have ever right to find me and spit on me and kick my ass if you want. It's better than what I deserve. Please don't tell the rest where I am. Okay, you can tell Dawnie but only if she promise to keep quiet about it. Don't tell her she has to visit though, she doesn't have to do anything for me again. She's suffered enough._

_I'm staying away to keep everyone safe from me. Me is not well. I'm going to learn to control my magic and rebuild my spirit and become the person I should have been for you before. A good witch, not a bad witch._

_I'm not doing this to get you back. I know that's not possible anymore, I've hurt you too much and you deserve more than a broken addict who can't grow up. Take whatever you need from my stuff and throw away the rest. Find a nice girl that fit with you hotness that's you that treat you right and doesn't look like an adolescent boy. You deserve more. You deserve your family. You deserve to be happy._

_I kept the crystal. You know which one. I'm sorry for that but it reminds me off you and I'm too weak to just leave everything that's you behind. I need to keep the happy memories at least._

_I'm so sorry for everything. Stay safe and remember that you are with the scoobies and the scoobies love you. Thank you for our time together, I hope it wasn't all bad._

_I love you_   
_Willow_

***

"Willow, what the hell?"

Tara had paced back and forth in the dark room for a couple of minutes. Silent, torturous minutes. In that time Willow had managed to consider and evaluate thirty-six different situations that were likely to happen within the next hour. Most of them ended up with her either dead or captured and one ended up with them both in bed for the next month. That last one was a bit of a stretch but it made for a nice mental sanctuary for a few seconds before another outcome was considered.

During the entire process her gaze never left her shoes. She stood like a scolded schoolgirl caught smoking behind the gym instead of being in class. She thought that's how she stood at least, it's not like she has experience in those activities. She was a good schoolgirl. A horrible friend and worse girlfriend but she was a good schoolgirl. In the past, at least.

"Do you have any idea how worried we've been? Dawn has spent more nights in my bed crying her heart out than in her own. I have been terrified that you were dead. I couldn't find you, it's like you're in another dimension when I tried to locate you! I, I thought I had lost you again."

Willow stood frozen still. Not the abuse she expected but one that was warranted. All abuse against her from Tara was considered completely legit in the eyes of Willow. After realizing that Tara expected an answer the spoke, quietly but without hesitation.

"I told you where I was. I thought you just wanted me gone. I had to stay away, I had to give you space to live with your family. It was not my place to keep you from them, it was my job to not put you or Dawn or anyone else in danger. I thought you hated me almost as much as I hate myself. I don't say this to shame or scare you back with me, I just want to be honest because you are wonderful and deserve nothing but the truth from those around you."

That actually shook Tara to her core. She thought that she hated Willow? Does Willow hate Willow? She had messed things up, badly, but is she that far gone? She took Willow's hand and sat her down on the bed, taking a space next to her with some platonic distance between them.

"Sweetie, I have never hated you. I've always loved you. I hate what you did but never you. I was scared. Dawn was scared. Even when we're angry we worry about you because you were going down such a dark path that we couldn't follow. And I never got the letter until Dawnie found it a couple of hours ago. Buffy hid it at Spike's place. Dawnie kept her promise to you and before you ask, no I'm not mad at her for keeping her promise to you. She did good. I am a bit mad at you for what you've done to yourself. You are starving and look like you're about to fall apart if someone were to hug you. What happened here?"

Willow kept her eyes downward, shifting from her shoes to her shaky hands that rested in her lap. 'I knew she'd keep her promise. Dawnie is the best girl.'

"I, well, err, eat ramen. A packet a day, two days out of three!" She tried faking an upbeat tone but the insincerity was flashing as if lit by neon signs. Tara was at the story checkout and she wasn't buying this crap even if there was a huge sale. "I kind of ran out of money trying to ensure I didn't make Buffy's home situation worse by straddling her with the bills. And then I had to book this room for a month and now another month and then there was clothes because my coat was left in the house and then there was oh no I'm rambling again I thought I'd gotten better at that quiet now."

Ramen. Less than a package per day of ramen. And, Tara found by looking at what tried to pass itself off as a kitchen here that she was eating it raw, not even cooking it. No wonder she has lost so much weight. Did she even try to contact the Rosenbergs? Would they even answer if she did? They'd probably send her to some clinic and get her declared unfit for single habitation, whatever it took to ensure they got the perfect Rosenberg heir.

"Willow? I'm not able to stay here for long. Buffy and the others doesn't know I'm here. Okay, Dawnie does but she won't tell anyone. I'll come back tomorrow with some cooked food because you are going to wither away if this continues."

Willow nodded but kept her eyes downward.

"I'm still doing magic, you know? I've stopped all dark magic and only cast spells when completely necessary but if I stop completely my spirit overflows and it will act uncontrollably. That's what happened at the lightbulb massacre. I understand if that changes your mind but I can't stop completely, it'll end me. It'll be dangerous for everyone."

Tara suddenly turned over and embraced her in a warm embrace. Willow remained stiff but inwardly her head was doing a celebratory dance. Not just a little jig but a full number, brass band and backup dancers and everything. She never knew she'd feel Tara close to her again. Smell her. Listen to her voice. Even if this was the last time she'd enjoy it for every single miniscule moment.

"I'm sorry Will. I panicked when you offered to stop doing magic and grasped at what I thought was the only way for you to recover. I didn't realize we set you up to fail. It wasn't the magic that scared me, it was the recklessness of it all. The lack of respect."

Willow slightly leaned her head into Tara's, her hoodie protecting her ex's hair from getting greased up by Willow's dirty do. Her mind was quieting, somewhat, but it was better now than it had been for weeks.

"You are right. I was disrespectful to you and to my own spirit. I try to be better. I've been in contact with some technopagans from Scandinavia and I've learned a lot from them and they help me ground myself and my beliefs. You're not my mother, it's not your job to ensure I don't screw up. It's my job and I failed at it over and over. I've always failed that part of the SATs of Willowiness."

They sat there, quiet, for almost half an hour. It wasn't an uncomfortable quiet, rather the opposite, and when Tara eventually had to leave she could do so without worrying Willow would disappear again or completely implode. Willow had done a lot of things to destroy Tara's trust in her but she deserved this chance to regain some of it.


	7. January 11, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homework, the trio stumbles and Gone is gone.

_Hi Faith!_

_I'm a bit early in responding, I know, but girl there's so much to say or write or type or think or do so I couldn't wait!_

_Tara visited! Apparently Buffy had hid the letter I left for her so she had no clue where I was. She came over a week ago and we talked a bit and while it was scary and exhausting and made my tummy ache it was nice too. She said she doesn't hate me._

_I had, have, a hard time believing that but you know what? If she is willing to offer scum buckets like yours truly a chance to regain an ounce of trust then the very least thing I can do is trust her. I can always trust her. She's my trust-fund baby!_

_She's visited a couple of times since and brought my winter coat and even better, food! I can now eat every day, healthy food even, and now only eat my ramen as snack in the evening. She is even willing to sit next to me in our shared classes, I no longer need to hide! She laughed at me when I showed her the map of the lecture hall and explained my 'monsters-invade-and-destroy-her-usual-seat' situation but she was happy I showed her. I didn't understand why but I'm glad she was happy._

_She isn't happy that often anymore. Dawn has told me. Buffy seem to think that she is free from doing chores because she is the slayer and was dead. She doesn't even work, she is just out patrolling during daytime these days. At least, that's what she says but we know she's doing the tango at Spike's place. Tara has to cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry, help Dawn with homework(but I'm taking more of that now when Dawnie can sneak over while Buffy's gone) and all the other stuff you'd expect Buffy would at least help out with._

_Social services dropped by their place as well. Luckily Tara managed to fib her way through it and kept the place clean and proper enough that the case handler seemed content._

_Oh, and that doesn't even take in account what happened a couple of days ago. I was just heading out from the women's spa where I sneak in to shower when I noticed Buffy was leaving the hairdresser across the street so I ran for cover in the nearby alley. I ran right into a bunch of guys from my days of Sunnydale High slap fighting over some sciency rifle. I heard it charge up and it was pointing towards the street so I crushed it as fast as I could. Fortunately they didn't seem to recognize me so I just kept running down the alley while I heard them shouting at each other and then Buffy shouting at them._

_I hope she didn't see me but since I'm still standing, or sitting at the moment, I'm pretty sure she didn't. I don't know what the gun did but I doubt it was any good and as angry as I am at her I don't want Buffy to be hurt. We used to be so close._

_Did you have a good new years eve? Took some inspiration on new things to do in the library huh?(insert eyebrow-waggling here)_

_And I plead the fifth regarding the mechanics of teleportation. Tried to time it this time so you would be in your cell instead of in public and I hope you didn't get in trouble this time because if so I'll send them the normal way if you want but I don't want to be dishonest when I talk to you and you said they look into the mail and these letters are only for you and nobody else._

_Oh oh! I had an idea earlier, by the way. I need for you to take a picture or more likely since I doubt you have a camera around and can't develop the pictures and stuff because there's no prisoner darkroom is there but anyway I need you to draw a sketch of your cell and show which bunk is yours and give me a time and day where only you will be in the cell so I can send something that might be helpful while in the joint. No weapons, I know you're ~~trying~~ doing better but something that could make the days pass by._

_I wear the black for the poor and beaten down_   
_Livin' on the hopeless, hungry side of town_   
_I wear it for the prisoners who has long paid for her crime_   
_But is there because she's a victim of the times_

_You only said no to Elvis!_   
_Willow the Red_

***

Willow teleported the letter and snickered at her imagination's version of Faith getting another paper wedgie. Dawn looked at her strangely over her homework before continuing with the algebra problem she was halfway through. Both she and Tara has been here more often recently and doesn't even have to be very careful anymore, Buffy doesn't see them more than a few minutes per day as it is. She's noticed more and more that Spike seems to have replaced all of the scoobies as confidant of her sister and she made a mental note to talk with Tara about that later on.

Songs from Cranberries was played from the dinky laptop speakers. Not the best quality but whatever drowned out the sound of the next door consultation, as Willow liked to call it. Dawn knew what she ment and knew that Willow didn't try to pretend it wasn't happening. She had told Dawn earlier that it's how life is here and trying to pretend otherwise is doing both of them a disservice. Dawn was okay with that reasoning. Stuff's bad but let's try to do the best with it. What she didn't understand was why the music wasn't louder since she could still hear enough to paint a pretty detailed picture of the ongoings of the neighbour that Willow called Hyena.

The laughter that was abruptly stopped by a shriek and sounds of protest explained the origin of Willow's nickname for her. As soon as the protests got muffled, as if someone was forcing the woman to shut up, Willow sprang to action. She motioned to Dawn to remain in place and gripped a small black handle from the top drawer next to the door.

A couple of seconds after she closed the door she heard the next door open, some shouts from a man and then the sound of him crashing into their shared wall. He tried to stand but was halted by a smash and the sound of a bone cracking. A horrible sound that brought back memories from the crash that led to Willow living here in the first place.

There was a lot of yelling after that. First from Willow, then the girl, then the man, then Willow again and soon another smash and another bone getting cracked. Maybe the same one. He screamed again but quickly quieted down. After some mumbling and a very clear threat from Willow he walked out of the room hurriedly, a developing limp clear in his footsteps, and Willow returned to her own room a minute after that. It was all over within three minutes and Willow's black handle was now extended into a baton with red stains.

Without a word she closed the door and went to clean the blood from the weapon in the sink and sighed.

"I figure you realized what just happened. Do you wish to talk about it or should we pretend it didn't happen? Both are okay with me but I won't infantilize you by making that decision for you."

Dawn realized she still had her mouth open in shock from when Willow first ran out. She wasn't afraid, just worried.

"How often does that happen? The girl, Hyena was it? She didn't sound surprised that you went in there so quickly and left almost as fast."

Willow wiped the baton with a towel before collapsing it and replacing it in the original position.

"This is the seventh time since I moved here, second time with Hyena. First time it was a vampire so she probably figured that she'd be safe since it's daytime now. She was smart though, she knows my room and the girls around here talk so she know that if I'm home I'll try to help. I stop the attacks and force the tricks to pay double the usual rate to the girl without getting the goods, so to say. It's how I afforded to live her for this month. The girls did a collection and forced me to accept it as thanks. I don't take any of their earnings when I help them, I'm not a fucking pimp."

Dawn couldn't believe her ears. Or, she could. And that was even worse. This stupid city.

"Have any of the girls ever, well, faked an attack? I mean since they get double the pay for no work it'd seem like a gimme."

Willow shook her head with a frown that quickly gave way to a smile.

"No. Never. Girls know that if I can't trust them I might hesitate. Or, at least they think so. I'd still help them but never tell them that. Tricks deserve whatever they get. But they have their own community and talk with each other and support each other and they know that crying wolf is a bad idea in general. They're good people with bad luck, really."

Willow didn't tell her or Tara that the girls have started to act as lookouts for her. If Spike, Anya or Buffy started snooping around they'd warn her to give her a few seconds of advance warning to climb out the window and disappear again. She hated using the girls, even if it's just for a small thing, but with Dawn and Tara becoming regulars the risk of exposure was too high.

The visit ended soon after with a hug and Dawn walking away a bit shook but proud. Willow's still doing good even if she isn't a scoob anymore. As she passed the next door she met the girl known as Hyena and greeted her with a nod and smile. Both knew that the other knew, none wished to make it unavoidable by speaking about it. A nod and smile and both continued their entirely separate lives that was tied together with a small redhaired woman doing her best to rebuild her life, such as it is.


	8. January 29, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prison currency, rat bastard and contingency planning.

_Sorry for the late response, Red. There was a minor riot and then a lockdown and all of us, even the passives, got put in a radio silence for two weeks. It's all good now tho, none dared to touch me on either side._

_I'm happy blondie is back and even happier that you haven't forgotten me even after the turnaround. Things looking up, right? I hope you have told her about our messaging because I don't want her to get the idea that I'm some prison pen-pal wife of yours, reccurent invasions into my prison scrubs nonwithstanding._

_Bought a word-of-the-day calendar from the commish if ya didn't notice! Goes well with the GED I got last year, trying to cut down my cursing to every fourth word instead of every other._

_New years okay, not really a thing over here. No library nookie though, I like it there so I keep my nookies in my cell._

_Attaching a sketch of the cell. Bottom bunk is empty, my cellie fell during the riot and got trampled. Shame that, Martha was a nice old lady. Psycho as fuck if someone tried to touch her stuff but happy as a clam otherwise. Nobody would ever guess she killed a pair of mailmen and a cop back in the seventies._

_Keep safe and eat well_   
_Faith_

***

Willow wrote her response to Faith and put it in the carton of smokes and wrapped it in a brown, discrete paper. She looked over the room layout several times and sent the box so it landed on her bunk's pillow.

The cigs weren't cheap but after the intervention that Dawn witnessed she got another donation, smaller this time, from the locals. She had sold some plasma and an egg to get a bit of a windfall so another month was paid for and some walking around-money remained. There's been three more interventions since, all vampires, and a niggling worry that the local wildlife is getting wise to her hidey hole. February would likely be the last month here, she had to find a new home soon before it was back out on the streets.

She was tired, though. While she was eating better and regaining some of her weight the plasma 'donation' had shaken her. Dawn and Tara didn't ask how she got her money and she didn't answer. This was her problem that she caused herself, they have their own stuff going on.

Tara seems to have gotten over her by now. The occasional hugs were nice, awesome even, but that's where they stopped. Friend hugs. Willow never initiated them or anything else because she didn't want to push Tara. Okay, she did. She wanted to straddle her and spend days getting reacquainted with eachothers' bodies but she wouldn't. She was blessed to even be talking to Tara and would not scare her away in any way.

Tara hadn't talked about her private life much, probably out of respect of Willow's feelings. It was considerate but Willow would've been lying if she said that it wasn't the catalyst for the majority of her recurring panic attacks. Said attacks were not as common these days but still made at least a daily visit, sometimes two per day. She'd been lucky to not have any trigger while Dawn or Tara were over so they had no idea. Same with the suicide attempt, or rather the fact that it was one, that led to her exile. Or the abstinence issues that actually weren't abstinence-related but rather the body trying to cause magic by her own before she realized she had to ground it.

They didn't need to know that. It was dealable. Here's Willow dealing. Things are looking up, finally. Willow Dealenberg going at it!

'Hold on, what's that tingle? It isn't Tara this time, it's...'

The door unlocked and Amy stormed into the room. Willow reacted immediately but a quick tar spell prevented her from reaching the baton. She tried to lift her arm to punch Amy but couldn't even nudge it. She was stuck, half a foot above the floor.

"Hi Willow! I heard you had quit the magic and I've been looking for you for over a month trying to see why. You've been hard to find but being this dark avenger helping the local whores made you someone of notice. And really, a small redheaded girl living for long in a motel without anyone knowing even your name? You really thought that wouldn't make people notice? I'm curious though, how'd you block the locating spells? Bought some cheap charm somewhere?"

Willow glared at her without a word. She wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she had riled Willow up.

"Oh come on, I didn't mute you. Come on, if magic was so bad you could just walk away from here. Here, take a swing! Kick me in the shin! See, if you really wanted to quit you would do so, you're not fighting back because you know you want to come back to us. Rack miss you, you know! He is offering me a month's worth of hits for free if I get you back to him. So come on, here, a shot for the good old days!"

She raised her hand and reached for Willow's left temple. The fingers were crackling with dark electricity and Willow recognized the power transference spell she had prepared. She decided to respond, Amy pausing as Willow started to talk.

"You know Amy, you're wrong. I haven't quit magic. I've just... refocused my source. The Hellmouth is old news, Valhalla bless me with their gifts now."

She stared into the eyes of Amy who responded with a confused look. As she regained her composure and moved to activate the transference spell Willow simple uttered a word, still stuck in the magic tar, that changed the scenario completely.

_"Lemja."_

Amy screamed as her left shinbone broke. A clean break but one that would require a significant time to heal and recover.

_"Lauss."_

The tar spell dissipated and she landed softly. Amy remained between her and the still open door, whimpering on the ground and trying to regain control of the pain.

"You are just stupid. You do the work of some pushing warlock to further indebt yourself in his power. You don't do the proper research to ensure you got the advantage and most of all, you think I need to use my hands to cast spells. Newsflash, you dumb little vermin: I surpassed you long ago. I'm sorry I had a hard time finding out how to turn you back but you know what? YOU were the one that couldn't control your magic and turned yourself into a vermin. Maybe it was the magics' way to show the world your inner self. Now, you're intruding in my home and the contract I signed stated very clearly that I could not have roommates or pets so it's time for you to leave."

Amy looked up, disgust and hate oozing from her very soul, and raised her arm to prepare another spell. Before Amy even got past the first word Willow sent her flying out of the room and onto the roof of a nearby parked car with but a word.

_"Slyngva."_

She waited a couple of seconds to regain her composure and put a finger to her upper lip. No blood. A smile infiltrated her lips for a moment before a frown overtook it and she went to close and lock the door.

"Okay, not good. I mean, good that I did all that and the dark stuff didn't even come to the same zip code when I asked for power! That's very good! No nosebleeds either! That's very gooder! But now Amy know where I live and if she does, Rack either does the same or will very soon. Shit. That mean I have to be ready to be on the move. Doubleshit. So much shit that I may have to reintroduce the poopbucket! Buckets of shit!"

"Wait, no, I just have to be prepared! Be a boy scout. Without the boy part. Or the scout, I don't want to associate with pedophiles and the girl scouts are way too much of a cookie slinging racket to be prepared for an evil warlock invading my home. But prepared! I'll just keep my backpack ready with my school books, my journal, my laptop and the sickle. I'll have to start using the baton holster and keep it attached to the belt. And wear the coat whenever I go somewhere. I can do that. Gonna be warmer soon but I'll handle it. Need to put my non-schooly books in a storage locker again though. And find a new hidey hole. I wonder if that janitorial closet in Stevenson Hall still got a janky lock. Could provide some cover a night or two at least as long as I'm willing to be roomies with a bunch of mops and sponges. I can do that!"

***

_Hi Faith!_

_Hope you enjoy your attached gift. I don't remember if you still smoked but if nothing else you can probably buy something else while on the inside. Sorry to hear about Martha, hope your next cellmate is a friendly one._

_And yeah, I've told Tara and Dawn that we're writing. Tara was happy and accepted the delayed apology. She says that there's no bad blood between you and is happy you're feeling better. Dawn was, to be honest, a bit more hesitant but after we talked about it she has promised that she'll give you another chance but that she'll be watching you._

_Not much have changed with Tara though. We're still friends and she says she has forgiven me. She doesn't fully trust me, and I completely do not in any way blame her for that. I think she is starting to look for a new 'study buddy' though. She won't tell me as such but she's been very hugs-only which might seem alien to you but you know us, we are the Knights of Hug-a-lot with our friends._

_That includes you, by the way, if you'd ever remove that 'no hugs' policy. Need to send that silly rule back to committee when you get out of there. Uhh, when are you getting out of there by the way? I just realized I never looked that up or even asked. Sorry, that was self-centered of me._

_I did promise Dawn to ask you one thing, though. She asked "does she even care about what she did to mom?" I told her that you obviously regret it but it's only fair to you and her for you to word it by yourself and I'll pass it to her. She suggested to mail you herself but I asked her what she expected the outcome would be if Buffy found a letter from you in the mailbox addressed to her and she agreed. I hope you don't mind, I just don't want to get Dawnie in trouble. She's already having such a hard time. Kids in school are starting to avoid her and she barely has any friends at her age and none that she meet regularly. They don't want to visit because Spike were rude and 'accidently' scared away Janice last time she was over._

_I've paid for another month at the motel now. Got some windfall so return address remain the same._

_Keep safe and riot carefully!_   
_Willow_


	9. February 7, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relocation, a cancelled lecture, exchange students and a public confrontation

_Hi again, my journaly friend. Sorry for keeping you up past midnight. Been a while but at least you got a long winter break. Sorry for the cramped lodgings, I had to do a quick relocation a couple of hours ago and this is the cheapest place I found that got four walls and a roof. Thank God the girls gave me the heads up when they saw Buffy. Thirty seconds and I'd still be in the room when she 'dropped by'. But I was right, the janitorial closet STILL hasn't had the lock fixed. Cutting down my commute to class quite a bit too so location is good. Together with the access to the dorm showers and laundry it's almost an upgrade to my old place._

_Except I don't have a bed or spare clothes or my trusty hoodie and now I'm found out and I can lose this place and get arrested any moment now and hold on._

_***_

_Sorry. Should've seen that one coming. And sorry for tearing out that last page but I really had to send a message to Tara to pick up the stuff I left at the motel and hold it for a while and send a message to Faith that I need help. I don't know what she can do, maybe contact the fang gang in LA and see if they have room. Gonna be one ass commute though but beggars can't be choosers._

_Class with Tara tomorrow! Gonna be nice. Uh oh, pen is running out of ink and I'm out of pencils. Gonna see if I can steal a new one from the lounge or something tomorrow. Gotta take down notes and graduate and then get the hell out of this nightmare they call a city._

_And go where, exactly?_

***

It was a tired Willow that greeted a worried Tara before their shared class. Willow was carrying everything she had left the motel with and Tara brought an extra pen. She had noticed the ink was weak in the note that had appeared on her pillow last night. If Willow weren't already all-in in loving her before she'd be so now for like the tenth time the last month.

"How are you holding up sweetie? Buffy seemed pretty mad this morning when I left to get your stuff."

Willow tried to keep her brave-little-toaster-face and shrugged unconvincingly.

"I got to sleep indoors and I got my laptop and school stuff and now I got you here so I can't complain. You got any idea how she found me?"

Tara sighed. She knew Willow was walking on eggshells around her. She always was. So afraid of being Willow in fear that Tara wouldn't love her any more. She recognized herself in Willow, the Tara that Willow first knew and fell in love with, and she knew the pain of that crippling fear of saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing. _Being_ wrong.

"Apparently Spike met Amy outside the hospital when he was picking up his blood supply and she explained how she ended up in a wheelchair. She said that she visited you to give you a gift and that you went dark and tried to kill her. That's... That's not t-true, is it?"

Willow's heart dropped into her stomach and it felt like the lungs held it down to drown in the fluids. Tara still thought she hadn't changed. No, even worse, she had gotten worse. She had become so bad she would hurt people for fun. No wonder Tara didn't trust her or want to be with her and she probably had five protection spells active right now and the watchers waiting just around the corner to bring her down with a word. She felt a panic attack rising to the surface and gripped the back of a nearby chair to steady herself. There, she could breathe a bit better. She still couldn't look at Tara and show the despair her face must be displaying for miles around. One step at a time. As long as it doesn't get worse.

"Hi there, wicked witch of the west. Fancy seeing you in town, thought you had taken the broom away for greener cauldrons?"

Spike. Shit. He must've gotten here through one of the sewer exits. He did smell a bit crispy. But if he is here that means that...

"Will. I heard you're still hurting others with the dark magic. Innocents."

Buffy. Oh God. Not Buffy. She could defend herself from Spike, he's a damn monster even with the chip, but she couldn't hurt Buffy. She's hurt Buffy enough and using magic against her would just prove her right.

She fell backwards and continued shuffling until she reached a wall. No windows nearby ment no sunlight. They were going to get her.

"You have no idea what kind of week I've had, Will. First some nerds from our past tried to frame me for murder. Then I find out you never left the city and that _someone_ ," she glared at Tara with a complete lack of respect, "had taken something from me in Spike's home. To make it even better an old classmate of ours is now in a wheelchair because of you. You assaulted her as she was trying to be friendly! Don't you remember how Amy suffered from her mother's magic abuse? Is that why you brought her back, to make her suffer again? Is that why you brought me back?"

She stomped up to Willow and dragged her up to a standing position and put her face only inches from Willow's. Spike took up position a foot behind her, grinning over her shoulder. Then, Buffy was gone and as thrown to the left. Spike didn't even have time to react before he joined her in a quite humorous pile. The nearby students took this as a sign that it was time to evacuate the location, class dismissed for the day.

"Sorry B, Red's with me. Time for you and Slick Willy here to leave her alone. She's taken enough crap from her best friend for this year."

Faith took up position between Willow and the pair. She kept her eyes on them as they were standing up and kept her stake in fighting position. She had her old clothes from senior year but they were remarkably dusty and seemed to be a number or two too small. Tara remained in the area, spectating the situation with a mix of fear and joy as Faith stood up for her girl.

Her girl. Willow. Her girl Willow. Her girl wouldn't do what Amy said. Amy's been looking for her and asking around ever since she moved out of the Summers household. Obviously Willow didn't trust her since she had stayed away from her. Willow had done nothing to show that she was falling back to old habits and she had done nothing to not warrant a bit of trust. Faith turned her head a bit to the left and quickly glanced back at a Willow that remained standing, wide-eyed and afraid, but in control.

"Red, you're okay? She didn't hurt you, right?"

She shook her head quickly, her hair shuffling into a bigger mess than it already was.

"Good. Because we're getting out of here. Got a place to crash if ya want."

Buffy snorted derisively at the notion.

"As if. She is a danger to us all and you are going back to prison. You've not finished paying for what you did to us. To me."

Faith smirked in the way Buffy just hated. The smirk that always, no matter the situation, could get under her skin. And Faith knew it. She loved it.

"Sorry, got an early release. Local do-gooder needed my help to keep some old tormentors off her back. And trust me, B, that just because I won't kill you it means jack shit for you dead sex toy over there. No soul means he is fair game, I even called and checked with Angel and he said that it wasn't just okay but encouraged. And Slick Willy? I don't give two small shits about that chip so either you run now or you're in the wind. Literally."

Spike actually froze and looked at Buffy with hesitation. With the chip he was no match for her or even Willow if she struggled. He just found out he could hurt Buffy but that wouldn't help in their current situation. Buffy returned the look with one of indifference.

"Can't stake him if I stop you first, Faith. Time to finish what I started three years ago."

She started a sprint and jumped at Faith but froze mid-air. Both of them turned towards Willow in surprise but she shook her head, just as surprised as they were.

**"BUFFY! STOP IT!"**

Tara was mad. Not just 'Dawn tried to microwave a bottle of milk' or 'Buffy left dirty dishes in the couch' mad. Not even 'Spike fell asleep smoking in the good chair and scorched the armrest' mad. No, she was 'Willow violated her mind and only seemed to regret getting caught' mad.'

"Willow hasn't been using dark magic. I know it. I can feel it. If she did, I'd know and you would've been nothing but a dark stain on the wall by now. Amy is not her friend and she wasn't informed where she was living, she'd already attacked Willow once since she left you. She's the victim here and you're making her out to be a threat to all of us when it's you who are threatening and ostracizing your friends and family in favor of Spike."

Buffy glared at her. If looks could kill Tara would die, be revived by CPR, die again, get resurrected by her friends and then die once more. She locked her jaw and spoke slow but clearly.

"Tara. Let me down. Let me down or you can join your girl on the street. Either you stand with the girl who ripped me out of heaven or you have somewhere to sleep tonight. Your pick."

Tara didn't back down. She held Buffy in position and kept an eye on Spike for any sudden moves.

"She didn't do it alone. I did as well. So did Xander and Anya. We all were part and we all knew as much as she did. I'm sorry we hurt you but if you think I'm going to let you treat my girlfriend like a whipping dog because you refuse to ask for help then you're nothing like the woman we loved as friend, as family. But fine, I'm out. I'm letting you down but if you make a move against any of them then I'll send you through the wall, head first."

Willow knew that Tara wouldn't try to hurt Buffy but she hoped Buffy didn't. Buffy nodded at Tara and stayed still, apparently still knowing very little about Tara despite two years of friendship. Tara, Faith and Willow joined forces at the wall furthest away from Buffy and Spike and Tara took Willow in hand with a smile. She then turned to Faith with a nervousness that was nowhere in sight the last few moments.

"You don't happen to have space for another homeless drifter in that place of yours, Faith?

Faith laughed hard and loud and pointed her stake at the nearest exit and waves goodbye at her fellow slayer and her vampire.

"Me casa su casa, blondie. Any friend of Red is welcome in our bed. Hey, I'm a damn poet over here!"

Willow choked on air and her cheeks tried to join her hair in the color scale as Tara giggled. Things are going to be rough in the future but right now? Right now she was walking on sunshine. And that's some place where Spike and Buffy couldn't follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, it's time to explain a bit why I'm writing Spike and Buffy as I do.
> 
> First off, Spike is entirely in character. During the entire season 6 he jump on the chance to isolate Buffy emotionally and socially and talk about how she doesn't belong with them, she belong with him in the dark. He's a fun character and I'm no Spike hater but holy crap he is a horrible person up until season 7 start. He's emotionally abusing Buffy and discreetly controlling her social life with blackmail, gaslighting and disparaging remarks.
> 
> As for Buffy, her actions here are actually an unfortunate consequence of Willow no longer taking her crap. Remember, the scoobies represent an aspect each of Buffy. Giles' the head, Xander the heart and Willow the spirit. The head has left for the UK and she no longer have any ability to take control of her life and makes a lot of short-sighted and ignorant decisions. Then her spirit run after being crippled and instead of regrowing with her in the show Willow has now left her and she no longer has the drive to better herself. She no longer can bounce ideas and feelings with Willow and rely even more on Spike who does NOT have her best interest at heart.
> 
> It doesn't help that Tara does have enabling tendencies and Dawn isn't considered worth of holding an opinion in the eyes of Buffy during S6. She's an obstacle to overcome to spent time with Spike.
> 
> As for Xander, he has a very small role in this fic so far but it's no wonder he isn't spending as much time with Buffy these days. Willow's no longer there to keep the peace and who is there instead? Spike. Not exactly Xander's favorite person in the gang. And so, his role is diminished even further. Anya's just an ass. Again, love the character but to pretend she is anything but an ass to Willow is to be willfully ignorant.
> 
> Don't worry, I'm not working to make Buffy a complete asshole. She is hurting and drowning and she is trying to grasp for any kind of floating debris. By grabbing onto Spike she doesn't realize that she is drifting further and further out to sea, though.
> 
> Finally, regarding the dinner preceding the lightbulb massacre. Dawn was angry, hurt and scared. Buffy was angrier, Spike and Anya are indifferent to Willow at the best of times and this was the worst so they're the most blunt assholes they can be. Xander is just very ignorant and afraid of magic and doesn't even realize what some of the solutions would actually entail so he rely on his better half for knowledge, ignoring her pre-existing biases towards his oldest friend.
> 
> Hope this clear some things up and feel free to disagree! I may seem very down on some of your favorite characters but I'm not! Unless they're Riley. Or Angel during Buffy season 1-3. Or Connor.
> 
> EDIT: Also, I just realized that this had a dark mirror reveal of one from Dead Things, the episode that takes place two days before. In the episode Buffy reveal to Tara she's sleeping to Spike while here Tara reveal to Buffy that everyone already knows about it. Didn't actually plan on that!
> 
> Also, Spike wasn't punched to potatoface in this timeline because of Buffy's different path, in case you wonder why I didn't elaborate on it.


	10. February 10, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Removal, renovation and reasonable rates regarding rents. Really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not doing the birthday episode/story because it's largely inconcequential to this timeline.

"Do you have to leave? I don't want to stay here alone, Tara. I just can't, anymore."

Tara sighed inwardly and set down the box of Willow's clothes on the floor. She hated this. She hated being forced to leave Dawn with an absent sister as her only real guardian. But it wasn't up to her anymore. She moved to the side to let Faith and Willow carry their old bed down the stairs. Buffy and Spike could put back Joyce's old bed that's currently collecting dust in the basement.

"I'm sorry Dawn but I can't stay. Buffy was very clear on that. The only reason I can get help moving all these things from Willow and Faith is because Buffy is out with Spike again. That's why we have to hurry before she comes back from work."

Dawn scoffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms to completely underline her total lack of care when it comes to her sister's comings and goings.

"She never comes home until at least an hour after she clocks out, you know that. You're in no rush. Can't I just move with you? I'll sleep on a matress on the floor and clean and help in any way I could! I'll get a job, I just don't want to remain in this... tomb."

Tara embraced her and held her close.

"How I w-... hope you could. But you know the CPS would be on us in a moment since it'd technically be a kidnapping since you're a minor."

Faith and Willow returned empty-handed from the U-haul and Willow took a quick breather. She was stronger than she's been the last few months but she still was nothing compared to slayer.

"But Faith lived by herself when she was only sixteen! She's only three years older than me and she's your landlord now, isn't she?"

Faith chuckled as she stepped up to the pair. She whispered in Tara's ear to get the last box and give her a moment alone with Dawn before they leave.

"Hey D. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're in a crap situation with a shit sidedish. However, if you were to run away with us then you can be certain that your sis would send the cops after us. Red and Blondie would both have to drop out and go on the run. I mean damn, the only reason she hasn't called the cops on us already is because she think I'd start killing them all because B refuse to acknowledge that things change. People change."

Dawn sighed and lowered her head. Faith was right.

"But hey, you're always welcome to visit during daytime. No questions asked. And don't tell your sis but I think we started practicing some fighting moves way back when before I fucked everything up that I'm pretty sure you're old enough to expand on now, right?"

Dawn's expression turned on a dime and she grinned joyfully as she nodded. After a moment she suddenly become a lot more serious and glared at Faith.

"Wait. Did Will ever ask you about... About mom?"

Now it was Faith's turn to study the floor panels. She embraced this activity for half a minute before returning her eyes to Dawn, dark with regret and grief.

"First of all, I'm very sorry for your mom. She was awesome and deserved a better end." Dawn opened her mouth to interrupt but was herself stopped by Faith holding up her palm. "Let me continue. She also deserved a better treatment from myself. Joyce was nothing but nice to me and you all invited me for christmas, my first actual christmas with food and presents, and I spit in your face as thanks. There are many things I regret but few things come close to the fact that I did all that and can't even apologize to her face. She died thinking I hated her and nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, you know what? She is the one who made me start to actually question what the hell I was doing with my life."

Dawn's eyebrows rose so high on her forehead that it looked like they were trying to escape altogether. She did not see that coming. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. How she treated me when she thought I was B, just for the very short while we interacted, was with more love and warmth than I ever got from my own parents. Did you know I was actually ready to use your sis' hijacked body and leave the country? I was ready to board and everything until I heard of that vamp attack in the church and just couldn't live with myself knowing how many lives I'd ruin by doing so. Especially yours and Joyce's. So I went there knowing that B would find me, because she always would do the right thing and save those people no matter what."

She took a deep breath and continued. She'd talked more now to Dawn than she had to any other person for a long time.

"Now, I'm not saying I'm not responsible for what I've done or even that I immediatly started doing the right thing after that but that's when I finally wanted to change. Needed to change. Shit D, I'd still be doing the laundry back in prison if Red didn't contact me for help when B found her. And don't tell your sis this but I actually managed to reach Angel on the way here and he said that if he knew the sitch he'd ask me to help out anyway and you know what? He's my guiding light, he's my boss. If he says what I'm doing now is okay then freakin' A I'm gonna help Red and Blondie, and you, and I'm gonna do it with a huge grin on my face."

Dawn smiled gently and broke Faith's second rule, no hugging. She remained stiff but didn't protect. Dawn deserved this if she wanted it.

"Thanks Faith. I'm sure my mom is okay with you. You're doing good and you don't try to lie about your mistakes. That's all one can ask, isn't it. And thank you for helping Will and Tara. Things have been so bad lately and they need the chance for a new start."

***

_At the same time at the front of the house._

"Tare, what did Faith want to talk with Dawnie about?"

Tare shook her head with a smile and loaded the last box into the truck before closing up.

"I don't know, didn't ask. She wanted some privacy though and we're not in a rush, are we?"

Willow suddenly got very self-conscious and started to play with the hem of her coat. They hadn't said much since the confrontation with Buffy and she had used the time to analyze, and overanalyze, what happened and what was said. One thing in particular. One sentence. One word.

"So, uh, I'm just curious. I'm not trying to be pushy or force you to answer and maybe I shouldn't ask but I'm wrecking my mind and you did say it in public and other people heard so I don't think I imagined it but maybe I did but I really need to know if you're willing to answer."

Tara smiled with the side of her mouth and the redhead felt her mental exhaustion from the events of the day just vaporize.

"Sweetie, do you want to ask why I said you were my girlfriend earlier?"

Willow nodded rapidly, her eyes wide with anxiety and excitement.

"I said it because I love you. I always have and never stopped. Not even when I felt I couldn't trust you. Take note of that. Felt. As in the past. You've shown by action, word and will that you are stronger and we both are more compatible than what we were before. You've also shown you really want avoid that which poisoned your spirit and body and went to great length to do so. You've shown that I can trust you again. I just need you to show me one more thing before we can both be certain."

Willow's smile couldn't be contained any longer and was in danger of causing her head to split in half.

"Anything, baby. I'll show you anything at all. Just tell me what to do and it's done already."

Tara cupped her face and pulled her into their first kiss since the Tabula Rasa spell was broken. And Tara learned that, just like riding a bike, kissing a Willow is not something the body forget how to embrace completely. It wasn't until Faith did a very polite, but still somehow impolite, cough that they pulled away from each other.

"Alright there witches, save some magic for the unloading. I only got an hour and a half left with the truck so we need to get moving. Dawn got the new address and I had her memorize it instead of writing it down so shuffle those butts into the seats and let's get going!"

***

The truck backed up to the entrance and Willow looked at the building inquisitively. Faith had refused to say where they'd live, claiming to not want to spoil the surprise, but had promised that it would be safe and comfortable, if a little bit crowded. She wasn't lying. It was in a nice apartment block. Not expensive, Hellmouth factor ensured that, but still above average.

Willow continued pondering the puzzle as they moved stuff in. The other two girls had notices her intense focus and made silent bets what could be the cause of such wonder but decided not to interrupt her. In fact, she was a model hauler and followed directions without a sentient thought and it wasn't until they put down her box with old scooby notes that the other shoe dropped.

"This is your place!"

As if expecting an applause, or at least recognition of a puzzle well unpuzzled, she turned to the others who just looked at her with an 'well, duh' written in invisible ink in their faces.

"Obviously, Red. I wouldn't break into someone else's apartment and leave a bunch of evidence behind."

Tara laughed at the notion and picked a box at random to start the unpacking process. Despite the many moves she's made the last two years she still hadn't gotten bored of it, she loved the feeling of fresh starts too much.

And what a start they could have here. The apartment was recently renovated, the damages of the fight between Faith and Buffy three years ago were gone and the large one-room apartment had been turned into two smaller rooms with a common dining area. It was crowded, yes, but it was clean, safe and warm. New internet connections and a large shower ensured that could not just survive there but even life comfortably.

"You know what I mean. I was never here but I recognized the address from when I found it for her. I thought you and Buffy destroyed this place when she, well, tried to kill you? And shouldn't your landlord have taken the keys back by now? How can we even afford this place?"

Faith motioned for Willow to take the far end of the bed and they started to move it into the empty bedroom.

"Nah man, here's time for the stuffyish exposition. You see, soon after I turned myself in I was contacted by one of Wilkins' old lawyers. He said that not only was I the registered owner of this place, not just a renter, but the insurance would cover most of the repairs. On top of that the mayor had set aside a tidy sum in a seperate account before I got gutted so I gave Angel power of attorney. It's not a huge amount but enough to cover living here for a while and not starving. So, when you started telling me how bad stuff were over here I called up my sponsor and he organized the repairs. I was gonna set you up to live here but plans changed so gonna have to impose on your privacy, hope you two are okay with that?"

Willow responded by running up and hugging her as soon as they put the bed in place, ignoring the loud but obviously token protest.

"Sorry, the policy did go back to committee and an exception clause was found for extreme circumstances such as saving the life of a stupid little girl who was in over her head."

Faith pulled away and slapped the redhead over the arm.

"Nil sweat, girl. Let's not make a habit of it. Oh, and to answer your question. I was in for life, twenty-five min. I guess that committee didn't foresee me just walking out of prison when they changed the hugging clause."

The group spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking. None of them had a lot of possessions these days so it wasn't extensive work but the witches were tired from the events of the day and didn't want to overextend themselves. As the evening approached Faith announced her intention to go for patrol to get back in form(and to give the pair some time alone for the first time in months. All three knew this, none acknowledged it) and the witches soon after collapsed in bed. They didn't do much more than snuggle and talk but for them, right there, it was everything they ever wanted from the world.

They slept well, knowing that the morning after would bring them routine in the form of monday classes and safety in the form of a loving home and secure haven.


	11. February 16, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicknames, Noncompliance and Negotiations.

The theme of the week was rebuilding, for all of them.

Faith rebuilt some of her arsenal. One of the walls in her room now housed an impressive amount of different kinds of daggers, knives and other short blades. She also rebuilt her reputation in the demon underground and made it clear in no uncertain terms that she does not pussyfoot around like her blonde counterpart. No keeping leashed vampires in her back yard, so to say. Friendly demons were safe but if they covered for their baby-eating kin they'd be spent as well.

Tara spent the week rebuilding her heart. She and Willow were taking it slow, despite sharing a bed, and getting to learn the older and more mature each others. Willow had changed a lot since the car crash. She finally found an aspect of the world that appealed to her believing spirit, something Tara had been unable to help her with before. That led to a healthier and more respectful outlook on both magic and Tara's own Celtic beliefs.

Willow spent the week rebuilding her life. Faith lent her some money, she refused to accept it as a gift, and she used it to buy a cellphone for her and for Tara. She gave her number to her roomies and to Dawn before heading to the motel to ensure that Hyena spread it to her fellow call girls so they could call if something went bad. It wasn't the same as being there and Willow hated how she felt she was betraying them but she had spent the entire afternoon composing a short guide for the girls on how to minimize risks in work when it came to the supernatural. She also managed to convince the motel manager to provide complementary crucifixes and holy water for each guest. That the wooden crucifixes just happened to be sharpened in the bottom shaft was just a weird error in manufacturing, as far as he knew.

Finally, she informed Faith and Tara what she'd been doing while living there and Faith suggested making the motel part of the beginning and the end of each of her nightly patrols, soothing Will's bad conscience further. Tara already knew of her activities. Dawn had told her as soon as she came back from her own experience with them and spoke with both awe and pride of what Will was doing even as she was fading away herself.

The weekdays was mostly school-purchase homey supplies-studying-hanging out for them. Faith's schedule was a bit different due to no school but she got her money from looting demons and vampire nests, something that paid more than what the witches would've expected. She loved the early evening, before patrol, when Dawn dropped by and where she kicked back with beers for her and the girls. Dawn stayed sober. "If ya want beer you need to find your own damn hookup, there's a limit on how much I'm willing to corrupt ya!" was Faith's answer to Dawn asking for a bottle on the third evening. "And no vamp dealers, got enough problems with your sis!"

Tara was getting a bit worried with one aspect of Willow. Or rather, she was already worried and feared it wasn't getting better.

Willow was walking on eggshells when it came to making any advances and suggestions to Tara. It was obvious she was deathly afraid that Tara would see it as some return to what she called Baddy Willow. Tara appreciated the thought but it was obvious it was taking a toll on Willow's mental well-being.

Which brought her to the anxiety attacks. Willow liked to call them her 'breakdowns' but Tara recognized them. She had first-hand experience with them from her high school days back home and she knew Will needed help. But, what help is there that she can be honest with her life? She didn't want to get her girlfriend taken away in a straightjacket in the middle of the first session so she had to look into more specialized help instead.

So there they sat, Willow and Tara, at a table in the Bronze on a Saturday with a beer each and waiting for Faith and Dawn. The slayer had apparently promised Dawn to start training her in self-defence each Saturday afternoon and they were not going to do it lightly. Four hours of intense training in martial arts, blade combat and staking tactics. Tara had been hesitant when she first learned of it but soon agreed that Dawn needed to protect herself since Buffy was driving away the social circle that had done so earlier. Only Spike remained really close but he spent his free time with her, not with Dawn, and could no longer be relied upon.

The slayer and her trainee arrived soon after freshening up and as they sat down Tara couldn't help but notice some errant dust on Dawn's shoulder. Biters were out early tonight, apparently.

Willow went to get refreshments for everyone and Tara took the opportunity to lean forward conspiratorially and the pair followed suit.

"Will doesn't know but I've actually set her up to talk to someone tonight. You as well, Faith. Just trust me on this, both of you need this and frankly, so do I."

Faith were about to protest, stopped, prepared to start again and then stopped for good when she saw the pair approaching their table. Xander and Anya. They arrived at the table just as Willow did the same from the other side and took her seat. Tara stood up to hug the couple and Willow embraced Xander, tightly, with a litany of sorries and apologies.

"Hey there Willster, some of us need to breathe now and then. I'm just happy to see you alive and healthy. Although, I'm a bit worried you're being held captive here by the jailbirdy murderer. Blink twice if you need extraction!"

Dawn nervously glanced at Faith, expecting her to take the bait and for the jovial setting to become a battleground. The air was pregnant with anxious pause but the pressure lightened with Faith's laugh as she stood up and offered her hand in greeting.

"Nah Xanman, Red's safe as houses. She wouldn't have contacted me for help if she didn't wanna hang. I must say, it's a surprise to see you both but I'm glad you're here. I got a lot of shit I want to apologize for man and you took some big lumps that you didn't deserve. Wanna go outside so we can talk in private? Less risk of personal stuff getting exposed that way."

Anya gripped Xander's arm, hard, and glared at her.

"NO! I'm NOT letting you get the chance to gut him and blame it on Buffy when there's no witnesses. We all stay here, in public, with plenty of witnesses that can testify in court."

Faith looked at Anya first, then Xander, and then just shrugged as he return the stare with an apologetic half-smile.

"Alright. Keeping it vague then. I'm sorry for everything, Xander. You were nice to me, nicer than most men, and I shouldn't have stomped on your friendship when it was offered. Not much else I can do other than apologize and promise I'll do better if you'll let me but if you want me to stay away, I'll stay away."

Xander spent a few seconds considering his response before Anya interrupted.

"Good! Staying away, that is. I promised Tara that she and Willow are welcome at the Magic Box but you stay away until I say so, both from the store and from us. Xander is my man and mine only, no matter what history you have."

Xander just sighed, quietly but visibly to all but Anya who was focused on Faith, and accepted the apology with a tentative smile and a small nod. They weren't good but they were better. Dawn hugged him in kind and asked him to keep quiet to Buffy about her spending time with the 'outlaws'.

"Five-by-five, demon girl. Wasn't planning on hanging around there much anyway, don't wanna antagonize B and the girls told me that's where she keeps her gym. No matter what you think, I'm not here to fight or cause trouble. I'm here for Red because we're friends and she asked for help. So, I felt like helping instead of lobotomizing her or chipping her like she's a vampire. 'Cause, you know, that's a pretty fucked up thing for a friend to want to do to another friend, isn't it."

Xander bit his tongue to keep quiet but the regret was almost tactile. Anya had nothing of the sort and when she realized that Xander wouldn't voice his support of her ideas when she didn't have moral support elsewhere, she dragged him away from the table and out of the entrance without so much as a 'bye.' They could hear her yelling at him even as the door was closed. Dawn let go of the breath she's been holding since Faith's response to the Magic Box ban and tried to lighten the mood.

"Sooo... That went well, I think!"

Willow shrugged and took another sip from her beer.

"I happy that Xander doesn't hate me and that he is open to amends. I don't really care about what Anya think as long as she makes Xander happy. Not gonna stand in the way of their marriage, I've ruined enough relationships for one lifetime."

Tara sighed and shook her head.

"I don't think any of them are happy at all, sweetie. Not anymore. He really took offence after they found out that you were still around and Anya immediately announced that you're not welcome at the wedding anymore."

Willow considered the implications of the situation but waved it off. "Not really surprised about that. I hate that I'm still causing a schism between them even if I stay away, I don't want to be ruiny Willow. I want to be supporty Willow. Friendy Willow."

Faith raised her bottle in a mock toast and downed the rest in a swig.

"Friendy Red it is! Come on D, let's dance. Red can be friendy Red by bringing Blondie so we're not the only girls tearing up the joint!"

Dawn shot up like a rocket and took Faith's hand to lead them away. Tara and followed suit but halted the group for a moment.

"Wait, I just have to ask because it's been bugging me all week. Why do you still call me 'Blondie', Faith? In case you missed it, I don't really dye my hair anymore since over a year back."

Faith smirked, dug up a five-dollar note and handed it over to Dawn.

"Damn, I bet the over a week on the over/under for when you'd finally get annoyed enough to quiz me about it. I'm calling ya Blondie because Red kinda didn't mention in our letters that you weren't, well, blonde anymore so it just stuck. Then me and D made this bet and I decided that once you moved then I'd stop. Now, let's go dance, T!"

Tara stood frozen for a few seconds as Faith followed Dawn away. Then Willow laughed as she pulled Tara behind her to the dance floor to join the others.

They stayed at the Bronze for another hour before deciding to call it a night. Willow and Tara went to get some coffee before doing home while Faith escorted Dawn back to the Summers residence. About twenty minutes after their departure Willow's cell started buzzing.

"Will! We were ambushed when cutting through Restfield. Bunch of men dressed in black gear with guns landed from a pair of helicopters and tried to arrest us. We're hiding Spike's crypt but we're pinned down and Faith got shot in the leg."

Willow motioned to Tara to get her jacket and she told Dawn to hold on as they set off to the cemetery with a sprint. What the hell is going on?

***

"Faith, they're on the way. We just need to hold out a bit longer."

Faith tied a rough tourniquet using one of Spike's t-shirts laying around. The vampire and his slayer lover were nowhere to be seen. Faith was both happy and angry at that. Sure, Buffy would've killed her if she knew that she took Dawn to a quick patrol before heading home but as it was looking right now she wouldn't get the chance to. She looked over to the entrance, blocked with a dresser she pushed in the way, and breathed heavily.

"D, we don't really have anything to hold out with. We're fish in a one-room bucket and they got plenty of guns so listen to me here: When I say 'Go' you run out and don't stop running until you get back inside your home. I'll keep the assholes off your tail as long as I can but it won't happen if I have to make sure they don't gun you down trying to cover my dumb ass, ok?"

Dawn should've panicked. That's what a normal girl of her age would have done. That's what she would have done just half a year ago. That's not what she did. Instead, her brain decided to activate the memory reserves and she ran towards a huge stone slab.

"Not gonna happen, Faith. Help me out moving this slab; Spike got his sleeping area hidden beneath the crypt but I can't move the slab by myself. We can hide down there and buy some extra time!"

Faith smiled in appreciation and hurried to her side. They had to move quick.

***

Willow and Tara saw the helicopters on the ground before they saw the crypt. They hid behind a large grave marker and Tara closed her eyes to concentrate.

"The helicopters are empty. There's a total of eight people here, not counting the girls. The girls are still alive."

Willow nodded. On the sprint to the cemetery she managed to formulate and analyze several different possible scenarios and strategies. She saw that they had just bashed down the door and three of the men, each carrying SMGs and night vision gear, hurried in. No gunshots. Good, they must be hidden in Spike's bedroom.

"Alright, conserve your power baby. I'm going to need you inside once I've gotten rid of these assholes, okay?"

Tara looked at her with worry, afraid of how far Willow were willing to go to protect their friends. Before she had the chance to voice her opinion on the plan they were interrupted by a man speaking in a megaphone.

"Faith Lehane and associate! Under the powers vested in me by the Watcher's Council of England I'm putting you under arrest. Come with me and you won't be hurt in any way, it's time you answered for your crimes against the Council!"

Tara saw the man in question but when she turned her head to were Willow had just been she noticed that her lover was gone.

"And by the powers vested in me by the Aesir and the Vanir, I declare your powers here null and void. You are to leave this place at once and take your patriarchal bullshit back to your masters and leave us the fuck alone!"

Willow was standing in between the two helicopters with her arms pointing downwards. She was glowing with a red hue and would have made for an impressive display if it weren't for her Hello Kitty shirt and pastel skirt acting as direct deterrents to intimidation. The leader of the Council teams turned around at her and both the pilots and the two remaining soldiers turned their guns towards her. She didn't budge.

"Ah, it's the dark magic witch. Good. I thought we would have to chase you down too but you've been so kind as to turn yourself in instead. You know that you are the reason we got here in the first place? Faith is just a bonus!"

Willow tried to hide her shock but obviously failed, going by the expression the watcher returned. "What?"

"You don't think we'd let an evil witch run around the Hellmouth and threaten the slayer's mission here, do you? Especially one who is so well-versed in her strategies and insights as you are, Rosenberg."

Now she recognized him. He was one of Travers' underlings the last time they were in Sunnydale to start trouble. That meant he also knew about Tara and that she was in danger from them as well.

And that was enough to act. She pointed her hands towards the helicopters and closed her eyes.

_"Ginnung."_

The helicopters started shaking for a moment and began to implode. After a second and a half they both turned into fireballs and the men dove for cover. She drove her arms forward towards the scrambling opponents and stared into the eyes of the leader.

_"Akkeri!"_

The men dropped their weapons, almost in unison. One tried to keep hold of it and the fingerbones stuck between the ground and the gun broke on impact. It was as if the weapons suddenly had the weight of a small van. Willow moved up to the leader and pulled him to his knees with her left hand. Tara took the chance to run into the crypt and covered her eyes as the room suddenly lit up as if a series floodlights were aimed outwards, blinding the men inside who were carrying light-amplification goggles.

"I am not in the mood for this, Watcher."

She heard a crash from inside followed by a series of punches and shouts. Less than ten seconds later it got quiet and the three girls left the crypt, shaken but relatively unharmed.

"There we go. Now, it's time for you and me to have a little talk. You see, I'm getting pretty tired of your bullshit. You have made Buffy and Faith's lives hell for too many years. You've made hundreds, if not thousands, of girls' lives hell. You forcibly recruit child soldiers and send them to their deaths while keeping them impoverished and dependant on your system while you sit at your desks and drink your goddamn tea. As soon as they turn adult you either sacrifice them or ensure they remain loyal to you upon the penalty of death. Even when you manage to capture a slayer who refuse to bend the knee you try to murder her while she is still in shackles."

The man opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted by a quick spell.

_"Lemja."_

His left wrist snapped clean off in a cringe-inducing sound that caused Dawn to turn green in nausea. The man tried to scream but Faith put her hand over his mouth with a strength that invited compliance.

" _As I was saying_ , murder. I know what you assholes were going trying to do Faith two years ago. When Buffy informed them that they got the wrong girl they said that both slayers were rogue and thus expendable. And that was while following orders."

She saw a speck of recognition in his eyes. He knew exactly what she was talking about.

"So, here's how it's gonna be. You and your men are taking the bus out of town, sorry-not-sorry about the helicopters by the way, and then go home. You'll tell Travers and his men that we're to be left alone. Me, Tara, Faith and her associate. You'll also ensure that Faith get a full pardon and that her warrant is null, effective within a week, and you'll pay her a stipend each month for her nightly patrols."

The man looked at her incredulously but she continued.

"You see, this is different from Buffy's demands a year ago. She offered her loyalty, I'm offering you your survival. Because if you, within a week, have not met our demands then we'll come over there and I'll burn your entire council to the ground. I'll cover the entrances and I'll have you all watch your patriarchal organization, your very impressive and awe-inspiring books and your freaking british tea burn to ashes. And you know I can. And I will. Not only that but I'll start traveling the globe and snuff out every single remaining branch of your inept order and I'll do so with glee. You see, we're not bound to your rules and your ideas. Buffy is forced to stay in Sunnydale, we're not."

Faith let go of the man and he grunted in pain as he accidently brushed his wrist to the ground. "How will we know that you'll keep your end of the bargain?"

Willow looked around to ensure none of the men tried to attack them as they talked. None did.

"You'll know because unlike you, I'm a girl of my word. I do not want a war with your people but I won't sit idly by while you burn my life to the ground. If I renege on my deal then I'm pretty sure you can just stop sending the money and reinstate the warrant anyway."

He looked at his fallen men and at the helicopters before turning to the ground. He raised his right arm and Willow shook it.

"Very well, we accept. It's not like we got any other choice, really."

Tara moved past him and took Willow's hand and squeezed it. "You always have a choice. This was just your first smart choice for the day."

The girls left the area and the Watchers began to gather what they could salvage from their equipment. A few broken bones and a lot of bruises were all they were bringing home from a completely botched operation.

After leaving Dawn at home and turning the corner, Willow collapsed. The power she had spent in the last hour would leave behind a calling card of migrane and exhaustion. Faith and Tara carried her home in a tense silence. Just how far was Willow willing to go to enforce the threats. And would she need to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I'm not going Turbowillow. She isn't as powerful as the S8-12 comics, all will be made clear soon.
> 
> UPDATE: There's a discussion in the comments that spoil stuff, including the ending, from the next part of the series. Do not read unless you've finished Chooser of the Slain if you wish to go in blind.


	12. February 27, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge on Riley, Home Invasion and Shared Guilt.

_Hi again my journaly companion! I'm not one to be unwilling to admit when I've been wrong(okay I am but I'm trying to be better. Damn it I even had to correct my own wrongy claims). Been a while since we sat down and had a chat but there's been so much to do that this is a rare respite. Life is being lifey but I wouldn't ever have dreamed of being in a such supergoody place as I am today._

_It's not perfect, no, but nothing is. Okay, Tara is perfect. Except for her clingy and whiny girlfriend who keep scaring her. Damn it, I did it again!_

_She doesn't know I know that she is a bit afraid. Ever since getting rid of those Council goons she's been on edge. We're going to have to talk soon about it. I don't blame her because I did intentionally make it seem to the Council that I was using dark magic and was willing to murder a bunch of people. Douchey people but still people! I had to scare them into leaving us as Faith alone._

_I just want her to talk to me about it but she's been a little bit avoidy on the subject of magic. Once again, can't blame her since I don't exactly have a great track record of dealing with those discussions well. I think I'll try to get Faith or Dawn to act as a witness just to make sure she isn't uncomfortable. I want comfortable Tara. I am very good at making her comfortable in certain situations, ifyouknowhatImean?_

_Buffy finally dumped Spike and girl is he mad. I mean, not that he wasn't already mad at us for accidently tearing his top floor into pieces when we fought back against the Council but then Riley dropped by yesterday with his wife(yeah, really! that asshole moved on fast!) and whatever they did together destroyed the bottom floor of his home and made Buffy realize that she couldn't just do better, she must do better._

_She talked a lot this morning with Dawn and also told her that she knew Dawnie was spending a lot of time here. She doesn't seem to know about the training sessions with Faith though, that's good. One step at a time._

_Oh, and Faith told me this morning that she met Riley's wife. Actually, she met Riley first and apologized. He was angry, and for once he was right to. What she did was so very un-okay that I can't even quip about it. She knows it too and said he seemed to accept it the apology. He had a lot more problem accepting her pardon and crime-free status so it feels like he only accepted the apology because he thought she'd be going back to jail. Was apparently a real asshole about it so she split._

_A bit later he met his wife. Sam's her name, she's a fellow soldier. They talked a bit and she seemed nice. Good in a fight, according to Faith so it's like top grades for her. Faith mentioned that she might have 'accidently' dropped that the reason Riley left is because he went to a bunch of suckhouses and then demanded Buffy had to forgive him completely, immediately, or he'd leave for good. I want to be mad at Faith for being petty and dropping a live grenade into their marriage but she deserves to know the truth about his controlling and misogynic ass._

_I'm awaiting a visit from Giles later this week. He's apparently coming back and he is the reason the Council sent those guys. Not on purpose, apparently. Buffy called Giles to snitch on us because she still believe I'm doing the dark tango and because she hate Faith but when he reported it to them they told him to wait for further research and then sent the hitmen without telling him._

_Assholes._

_Also, real mad at Buffy for doing that. She know how ruthless they are and she was willing to send both me and Faith to them? And didn't she think of what could happen to Tara? She's an unregistered witch of no small power and an affiliate of ours. It's likely they'd either bring her with us or... Yeah. Not continuing that line of thought._

_The fact that Dawn was caught in the crossfire is what actually shook some sense into her. Without Faith's cellphone it's very likely they'd both be toast without any of us knowing a thing about it._

_Dawn is getting mighty good with the fighting now. I went to their last practice to have some company while I was reading and I can say for sure that she'd kick my ass in a regular fight, no problem. Sure, that's not the hardest accomplishment but I do have a few years of monster hunting under my belt. Dawnie must've picked up quite a bit seeing Buffy fight all those house invaders over the years. She's said she is considering asking Tara to teach her some distraction and protection cantrips that she can throw in a fight because apparently she was doing a bunch of minor spells with Tara when they were looking for me._

_Oopsie_ _. Let's hope Buffy doesn't know about that. I enjoy my face without a fist-sized hole right through it._

_Xander and Anya's wedding is in a week. Still not invited and my bestmanyness is looong gone. Tara wanted to push for me to be able to attend, at least as a guest, but I asked her not to. I don't want to put additional strain on them and I promised her that I'd patrol with Faith in the meantime for some friendly bonding slayage._

_Oh yeah, before nightfall at the wedding day Faith were going to buy a car now that we got some moving-around money so now I get some input on that!_

_Everything's coming up Willowhouse!_

  
***

  
Willow took her cup of coffee from the machine and went to take a seat at the dinner table, a translation of Snorre's Edda in hand. Just as she found her old place in the book the doorbell played some death metal tune that made her jump in her seat, spilling some coffee on her skirt. "Jeepers, Faith changed it again. Alright, time for some Music for Elevators* so she'll see how she likes it!"

She continued to mutter under her breath as she put down the book and lazily strolled to the door, too distracted to actually wonder who'd be on the other side. Dawn didn't use the bell or knock and everyone else she spent time with lived there.

When she opened the door and revealed her former best friend, red-eyed from crying and with a despondent expression she didn't even try to cover, she dropped her mug. Her heart was not made for two shocks within fifteen seconds.

"Hi Will!"

Willow stumbled backwards and continued until her back hit the dinner table. Buffy didn't move and tried to comprehend what was going on.

"Please don't take me I don't want a spike in my head I don't want to be an unwillow they said they would stay away they promised me please don't take me away I like it here.

She rolled over to her side and curled into a ball, her arms embracing her knees and the eyes staring vacantly into empty space. Buffy shook out of her paralyzation and tried to approach apologetically.

"Will no. I don't want to hurt you. Please don't be afraid, I wanted to talk. Please look-"

Faith's bedroom door flew open as she heard Buffy and when she saw Willow on the floor she acted without a thought. She dove over the table headfirst and caught Buffy while still in the air. Buffy reacted fast and managed to get a relatively comfortable landing as she was thrown to the ground and immediately backed away, her hands disarmingly up in the air.

"Faith! I'm not here to fight. I just rang the bell and then she collapsed as she saw me. I don't know what I did, I just said hi!"

Faith glared at her for several seconds before quickly glancing and Willow who was starting to recover. The panic attacks were getting shorter when Faith was around, at least according to Tara.

"You don't know what you did? Obviously, you don't. You did that. She is afraid of you cutting her throat while she sleep. She is terrified that you'll take her away and put some messed up chip in her head. She looks over her shoulder constantly when she is out in public or at the street. She can't even eat at a diner without having her back to the wall. She was getting better and started to feel safe and what do you do? You call sir England and suddenly the Watchers send two teams of murderers to take us, dead or alive."

Buffy isn't stupid. Not the smartest girl, no, and not even close to what's considered booksmart. But she's adaptable, quick on the uptake, and is able to juggle several things in her mind at the same time. One thing she was, however, really bad at was considering the mental well-being of her friends. Physical well-being? Yeah, that one she'd always ace, even to a fault. But when it comes to considering the mental toll her action and her life takes on her friends - especially those who used to be the main scoobies - she was completely oblivious and has always been.

She spent a year and a half offloading her relationship issues regarding Angel at Willow who took it at stride. Even when she used Willow's crush on Xander to hurt both of them and Angel she was immediately forgiven. When Angelus emerged and he killed Willow's friend, favorite teacher and Giles' girlfriend, she still took her time and deprioritized hunting her demented ex. When she disappeared and returned she expected her friends to accept that she wouldn't give them any info at all what happened and why she couldn't even tell them she was alive.

When she hid Angel's return, Willow forgave her without even being asked to and defended her to the others. It wasn't really until Willow decided to give up her future for the good fight that Buffy actually tried to be the friend that Willow had been to her and even that didn't last long. After the Parker Incident she spent weeks offloading on Willow who went out of her way to be the most stable shoulder to cry on. When the situation reversed with Oz' infidelity and departure Buffy didn't even last a week before she started blowing off spending time with Willow, complaining that she should've gotten over her two-year relationship with her first love a bit faster.

And so it continued. Riley's idiocy and departure, Willow coming to term with her sexuality, Tara getting crippled by Glory, Buffy shutting down instead of moving to save Dawn. The pattern seemed neverending. Willow was alone when it came to emotional support while Buffy demanded and expected her to go above and beyond what was human.

So it's no wonder that she had been completely blind to the damage she was causing to her friendship, to her best friend, over the years. Especially her actions the last half year, blaming Willow(and only Willow) for not being there for her when she returned from heaven despite not telling them until forced to and when asked to talk about it she retreated and confided in Spike instead.

But now it was finally in front of her. She couldn't pretend to not see it anymore. It was staring at her in Willow's face - vacant and afraid - and she either had to face it or admit to herself that she had nothing to offer her former best friend. Former. That's how far it had gone.

In Buffy's defence, she is not one to back down from a challenge when it was given. And the metaphorical gauntlet was tossed.

"You're right, Faith. I screwed it up. I screwed her up, our friendship and my own life. I am in your home so I'm asking you; would it be okay if I remained to try to talk with Willow for a while. If it makes you and her feel better I'd have no problem with you joining us, I just ask for a chance to make it better again. To go back to what we used to have."

Faith held out an arm as she knelt over to Willow and whispered something, getting a tiny nod in response. She whispered again and received an arm in response, pulling the redhead to her feet.

As Willow took her seat by the discarded book she nodded at the closest chair and Buffy sat down in it. They said nothing while Faith went and cleaned up the broken mug and the spilled coffee. It wasn't until the slayer had finished and moved back into her room with a nod at Willow that the witch spoke.

"Hi."

Buffy failed to completely prevent a small smile from breaking out but didn't acknowledge it.

"So, Will, I meant what I said. I screwed everything up. I'm sorry. I blamed you for ruining my afterlife and let Spike push me to ignore you and the others until it got so bad that I could throw you out. It wasn't until Tara stopped me at the college that I realized that I had deluded myself into ignoring the others' part of the spell. I blamed you for not trying to help me when you found out the truth when it was I who kept running away. I tried to control you as a measure after you used magic to control others and no, I did not see the obvious idiocy there."

Willow giggled slightly for a second before turning quiet again.

"I need you to know one thing though; I did not think Giles would tell the Council about the situation here. I did not call to get Faith or you taken away. I called for advice on how to handle you abusing the dark magic because frankly, it terrifies me to no end. He has helped you before and I hoped he could again, that's all."

Willow looked up from the table and stared, ice in her veins, into Buffy's hazel eyes.

 _"No."_ Buffy raised her eyebrows in surprise to the response before Willow continued.

"He never helped me in my study of the arcane. Ever. He only opposed it and tried to discourage it and get you others to do the same. Which all of you did, one time or another. The only time you wanted me to evolve was to pull more into the dark magics to help in the good fight. I had to learn on my own until I met Tara and by then I was too stupid to take her advice when I went down the wrong path. You just didn't notice because you didn't want to. You never wanted to."

Buffy sighed. She didn't know the full situation between the witch and the watcher but none of what she was told felt out of place. She had to talk with him when he returned from England.

"And just for the record, Buff? I haven't used any dark magic since I hurt Dawnie. I cut myself off from that source, the Hellmouth has no influence over my spells anymore. You'd know that if you ever asked. You'd know that if you didn't trust a dark magic using former rat who tried to force me to embrace it again and drag me back to the warlock who make a living exploiting naive witches such as yours truly. And even if you won't believe me, you should have trusted Tara. As untrustworthy as I have been she is a paragon in comparison. Her readings have helped you since even before you met and she never let you down. You have no idea how much you hurt her when you threw her out like a used towel. That is something that I cannot forgive you for, not until she does."

Buffy took her licks during the talk that continued for another hour and two cups of coffee. She spoke of her relationship with Spike and how it ended with Finn's return, how she only recently felt like it mattered if she died or lived, how she failed to reapply for college and how much she missed the girls.

Willow spoke of how she has lived since she fled the house. She spoke of her new but close friendship with Faith and how her magic is sourced. She told of Tara giving her another chance and how they're trying to make it work in Faith's household. What Buffy didn't know was that Faith had texted Tara and told her to intercept Dawn so she wouldn't enter the apartment while Buffy was there.

It was early evening when Buffy moved stood to leave, both old friends calmer and their friendship at the beginning of healing.

"Hey Will? I hope we'll be friends again. I missed you, even when I was too stupid to realize it. I want things to go back to how it was."

Willow smiled slightly before locking her eyes with the slayer's to dispel all doubt of what she was going to say.

"Buff, for that to happen you need to accept a few things. First off, I'm going to live here with Faith and Tara as long as they'll have me. Secondly, Faith is my friend and will remain so. I will not drop her for you and she has never demanded I do the reverse. You will not attack her and she won't attack you. Thirdly, we're not going back to how it was before because that friendship was toxic. We need to be better than what we were or we'll just end up here again. History doesn't repeat itself, it rhymes."

Buffy contemplated the demands for a few seconds before she nodded with a huge smile.

"Deal! Now, it's time for some sister bonding time before Dawn completely forget I exist."

They shared a small hug before the slayer paced out of the apartment. Willow remained in place and picked up her book again before falling asleep in the chair. When she woke up the next morning it was next to Tara in their bed, she never noticed Faith moving her or Tara changing her into her jammies. She didn't really mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music for Elevators is a George Sarah and Anthony Stewart Head album that includes guest spots by Amber Benson, James Marsters, a song written by Whedon and even a pair of spoken lines by Alyson Hannigan! Great album, I really reccommend checking it out on Spotify if you haven't.


	13. March 2, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giles, Honesty and Ugly Truths

"So, it's been a while, Giles."

Willow leaned back into her side of the booth, flanked by Tara and Faith, and slurped loudly from her mocha. Her attempt to be aloof and cool was both obvious and kind of futile when faced with someone who has known her for years.

"Why yes. I haven't _forgotten_ the last time we met."

His infliction was heavy-handed but effective. He left after the Tabula Rasa mishap, when Willow was circling the drain of her spirit. Still, she refused to abandon the moral high ground. She wasn't part of the tweedy version of the Lord's Resistance Army after all.

"Was the trip here okay? Did you take the company helicopter or were they all out on repairs?"

Faith didn't even try to contain her mocking laughter but Tara frowned a bit and took Willow's hand to remind her that they were trying to make peace with Giles. Willow had the decency to blush in shame as she got the message and tried to offer an olive branch of sorts.

"Okay Giles, here's the sitch. First off, what we say stay at this table. Your colleagues have enough info to stay away and I'd like to keep it that way. No matter how little you may think of me I do not wish for us to be enemies. We used to be friends, once, and it's a waste to throw that away. Secondly, I'm not using dark magic anymore. At all. Tara can attest to that and even if you've never trusted me or my magic I know you used to trust her."

Giles looked at Tara who nodded; affirming Willow's statement. He wanted to interject but kept quiet to let her finalize her argument.

"You heard of when I crashed the car with Dawnie, right?" He nodded with a frown. "That was the last time I tapped into the Hellmouth as my source. I did not do so when your wet work team came to 'handle' us, I just let them believe I did because otherwise they'd probably kill both me and Faith, capture Tara and get rid of Dawnie to ensure there were no witnesses. I think you understand why I had to act as I did?"

Giles hesitated to answer until he was certain she was anticipating a response.

"W-why yes, certainly. To make a couple of notes in my defense I must say that I did NOT know of the attack until it was over. I also didn't know that Dawn was the individual known as Faith's Associate, although it makes it a lot more obvious why you acted in the manner you did. As for the dark magic, I was informed by Buffy when she called that she had a source that told of your continued abuse and that you used it to endanger friends wantonly. We spoke again yesterday when I returned to her - rather empty and lifeless - house and she informed me that she had been misled by that Amy Madison, your former classmate who used to be a rat if I'm not mistaken?"

Willow took a deep breath and muttered something into her cup before she took a big, too hot, gulp.

"Ouch! Ohh, that was a bad idea. Hot hot hot!" She tried to regain her stoic dignity - unsuccessfully - before turning back to him.

"Now, did it ever occur to you that maybe Buffy is not very adept in the mystic department?" He had the decency to look away in an admission of guilt. "Or how about just - I don't know - contacting me? I left an email and PO box for people to reach me and if you ever took the time to ask me I would've been very happy to tell you about where I get my gifts from, what I use as a source."

Giles flustered and took up a small legal pad.

"Yes, the old Norse deities are your source now, according to the logs of your threats toward the council. Is that accurate?" Willow nodded. "I hope you have made the research necessary into them and-"

"Oh sod off, Giles." Willow didn't even try to stay polite. Faith and Tara didn't know the meaning of the term - even if they got the gist of it - but Willow knew that Giles did.

"I didn't pick my source by putting a bunch of holy texts on a dartboard and go wild. Yes, I researched. By myself, as I always have before. Tara at least offered to help me in the past - I was just too stubborn to take the help - but you did nothing but poop all over my table of effort. Everything was too powerful, too dangerous, no matter if it was the smallest cantrip or darkest rituals. When you're told everything is bad but know that's not true, do you know what happen? You stop listening to the hack who can't differ between an annihilation ritual and a floating feather. So yeah, I screwed up. Many times. It was the only way to learn since you refused to do anything. You sacrificed me on your altar of cowardice because you didn't dare to speak of your own experiences in dark magic other than 'it was all bad, don't do magic at all' which kind of muddled the water on the field altogether."

Tara got the hint mid-rant and had already gotten up as Willow finished. Faith followed the pair soon after. Before they left him in the coffee shop Willow turned back for the final stab.

"Oh, and you know what? I still got Calendar's old notes and documentations. She wrote how much potential I had already - even back then - and how she had tried to get you to help her teach me to become a responsible witch and how you refused. So yeah, you can't even claim ignorance. You were just too afraid of me actually surpassing you in something instead of remaining a loyal and hapless research assistant." She started to turn towards the door only to turn back yet again.

She continued in a haughty tone. "Which I still love to do, by the way. I can have layers. Now if you excuse me, you got my phone number if you're willing to be a bigger man and apologize. I'm done trying to validate my existence to you."

Willow knew that she had screwed up. No bridges were rebuilt that day. She couldn't help feeling pretty damn vindicated though; she could offer forgiveness another day.

  
***

  
The trio split up after leaving the Hut. Faith went to her scheduled practice session with Dawn while Willow turned home with Tara. It was a tense and quiet walk and both knew that an anticipated and uncomfortable talk was finally ready to happen. They needed to do this before it got to fester for long, no matter how much pain might be dragged forth in the process of doing so.

They got home, threw the styrofoam cups in the trash, and moved into their bedroom and closed the door before they sat down next to each other.

"So, where to begin?"

Blue eyes met green as Tara kickstarted the engine of conversation. No need for an oil change or slow startup, this was a relationship vehicle that knew the process, it just had a period of malfunctions during the last year.

"I can begin, baby. I think I need to tell you about the breakdowns because I know they scare you and I know they're uncomfortable. Trust me, they're no funhouse for me either."

Tara nodded with a smile of encouragement as Willow took breath to continue.

"They began about two weeks after we moved in with Dawnie. I was freaking out and we couldn't talk as we used to. I didn't have any safe haven anymore and was exhausted and broke and I had to help you and Dawnie and the bot and cry and study and I just couldn't take it. They most often manifested soon after your panic attacks during the night, after I couldn't fall asleep again. It's not your fault baby, it's just the truth. Then they got gradually worse and by the time I ran away they could take up hours of my day. What you see these days are small, if extremely unpleasant, ones. And before you ask, I get help. My friend Ella is a head priestess in a Swedish coven who has been guiding me spiritually and mentally through the healing process. I have not tried to hide this, you just haven't asked. If you wish I'll show you my message logs if you want further insight into my very broken and uncomfortable mind."

That's when Tara decided to stop Willow's babble with a chaste kiss.

"No sweetie, those talks are for you and Ella alone. I know you haven't tried to hide anything, I'm happy you are getting help to get through this. I understand that you want an outsider's perspective on this, I would say I'm probably too close to the... subject matter?" She smiled and kissed her again.

"Okay, if you're sure?"

Tara nodded and sat up straight. "My turn then. I actually have a request for you, one that might not be very comfortable for you. I want for you to remove the forget spell you cast on me. I'm not angry and yes, I have forgiven you but I need to know what happened that day."

Willow went pale. She feared this day would come and how she would handle it. She had promised to be honest but by doing so she'll break another, even older, promise to Tara that she didn't even know about.

"Sweetie? What is it? Was it that bad?" Tara was getting nervous now. What the hell actually happened before on Halloween?

Willow remained pale as a ghost and started to play with the hem of her shirt, the green eyes following the movement of her fingers as if in a trance.

"The thing is, in order to dispel the Forget spell I... I have to dispel both of them." Before Tara even had the chance to comprehend the implications of that Willow rushed out the rest of her explanation.  
"You asked me to! Your nightmares this summer from Glory's attack was crippling you. You barely slept more than an hour or two per night and was about to collapse from exhaustion. You bought a bag of Lethe's Bramble and asked me to make you forget the nightmares and to never let you see them again. You asked me to remove your memory of asking me to do it and never bring it up again. I just wanted to help and it seemed harmless, I swear. I just don't want to break that promise. I can't watch you wither away from exhaustion again!"

Willow plead at Tara with tears breaking free from her eyes. She realized this could end her future with Tara but if the choice was that or Tara dying from sleep deprivation she'd bite the bullet and let her go. Nothing was worth her life.

Tara - in contrast to her counterpart - sat there slack-jawed and suddenly the puzzle that was last year's timeline started to fall into place. Willow had explained that the stress and pressure of the summer had been so bad that she started to get panic attacks. That meant that Tara must've gotten the spell reagents and asked Willow to help them both. Willow did so and that meant that Tara helped encourage her use of magic to solve problems within their relationship, even if the problems in question where of vast difference. That's if Dawn had been honest and that the second time was only about a fight about magic abuse. Still, Willow made the choice the second time but could she ever demand her girl to break that first promise?

"No. I trust you. If you say I asked for the first spell then I did. Could you at least tell me why you cast the second one?"

Willow took a few moments to regain some kind of control. After barely managing to do so she nodded.

"We fought about me abusing magic. You were right and I was stubborn. Afterwards, you were so angry and I was afraid. Last time we had a fight that bad I had been an idiot and stepped out. Afterwards, you went out to the fair-"

"...and that's when Glory found me. Goddess, I didn't realize." She leaned forward and embraced Willow.

"I was just so afraid you'd leave me. That I'd lose you. It is no excuse, nothing is, but I panicked and was rash and hurt you and drove you away and I'm sorry it'll never happen again I won't try to end it all again and never mind that I just won't."

Tara held her still and circled her open palm over Willow's back and then suddenly stopped. "...end it all again?"

"Nuthin'. I misspoke."

"Sweetie, I know you. Please, tell me, what did you mean with ending it all again?"

Willow sighed. She needed to tell Tara. Faith knew. She had told her in one of her letters and they had a short discussion one evening in the middle of February. Tara deserved to know. She deserved honesty. She distanced herself from the embrace and looked into Tara's eyes.

"When I sat in the car with Dawnie and fled I was too out of it - my mind corrupted by Rack's dark magic - and didn't really register that she was in the car even as we spoke. All I knew was what the voices in my head was telling me, reminding me. It was things I already knew but always tried to block out. So I drove away from the demon. And then sped up. I didn't miss the turn, I just ignored it. I wanted to be free of the wreckage of my life that I had created. I didn't want to hurt Dawn, I only wanted the guilty party to suffer."

Tara steeled herself and bit down on her lip to keep her composure.

"W-what did the voices tell you?"

Willow exhaled, loudly. Here's something that she hasn't told anyone, not even Ella.

"How I'm always going to end up alone. How nothing I do was ever good enough. Not to my parents, not to my friends, not to the world. How the only thing I ever excelled at is the thing I used to abuse the one light in my life. How I've always been the second choice at best to everyone. Second to my parent's work, second to Xander, to Jesse, second to Buffy, second to Oz, second to Giles, second to Jenny. The only exception to all these was you. And I abused that which brought us together to drive us apart, destroy the trust we both knew we could take for granted. Without the magic, what did I have to offer you? I'm shaped like an adolescent boy and the maturity of the same and it was only a matter of time of us being apart before you realized that you are gorgeous and smart and charming and would find someone who wouldn't hurt you like I have. I'm socially awkward and didn't even manage to hold a social circle and drove away all my friends before I turned 24. I couldn't handle the feeling of knowing I was forever going to be completely alone and worthless and I wanted an out. I wanted it for weeks afterward, I was just too much of a coward to act on it again."

Willow had by this time gone almost apathetic. She told her story as if it were answers to a pop quiz, something that happened to someone else that wasn't Willow. That wasn't there. She was a drone exposing her worst demons, her lips acting as her own personal Hellmouth.

Tara lost control of the dam and wept openly. She grabbed hold of Willow with both her arms and held her as close as she could. Despite knowing of some of the depth her girl had gone to this winter she still found new crevices, new chasms of despair the more she dug down into Willow's psyche.

She knew some of these anxieties already but not their depths or just how much the last year's events had cemented them in Willow's subconscious, each reinforcement making way for new anxieties to develop in their wake. Since Joyce's death she had lost the final scraps of her relationship with her parents and then she lost Buffy and soon after Giles. Xander went the way Anya pointed, a way that rarely had space for her.

Then she gave up everything in her life but Tara for Dawn and was rewarded with all the blame for Buffy's return and the fallout thereafter. Tara was right to leave her - that was still an undeniable fact for both of them - but it was also the final straw in a death spiral that was aimed squarely at the intentionally suicidal car crash that almost killed Dawn.

It was no wonder she tried to run away and start over. The Hindenburg had a better handle of things than Willow had last year.

They eventually laid down on the bed but the big talk was done for the day. It had been productive but none would be able to continue, exhaustion soon claimed them both and they took a long nap that afternoon; embraced with each other.


	14. March 9, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things seem to become Normal Again, Buffy's Insane and Wedding Fallout

_Hi there again Journal McJournaly, earl of Journalshire of the Journalian Kingdom!_

_Okay, I'm a bit anxious for Xander. He's been missing for over 72 hours and nobody has heard from him. According to Tara he left Anya at the altar(which is a douche move, not even Anya deserve that crap. Seriously, he acted bad enough for **me** to sympathize with her) and both of them vanished of the face of the earth. Okay, Xander is still here because Tara did a spell to see that he's alive but we decided to give him space and not chase him down. He'll come back when he is ready._

_He needs to be ready._

_The wedding was a mess, apparently. Fights between the guests, an overabundance of alcohol, a meddling demon from Anya's past, Spike being there and coming on to Buffy so strong that Tara had to step in to keep him in line. His chip might be malfunctioning with Buffy but not with my girl so he backed down quickly. Big Bad William the Bloody backing down from the most lovely girl in the world is just wonderful._

_Shame I missed it but at least the split wasn't my fault. Anya will probably find some way to blame me for it anyway but it's gonna be hard to find support since I wasn't even there and got an alibi and CCTVs recording me as I was purchasing a car with Faith. Calling it a car is a bit of a stretch though, we got a large four-door pickup truck with a removable cover. While it isn't made for off-road travel it can handle it fine and we felt it was a sensible choice to carry injured civilians, supplies and other stuff related to keeping people safe. Also, it had a nifty purple color and Faith wanted something she could ram smaller vehicles off the road with._

_I think she was joking about that. Yeah, I'm sure of it. Probably._

_Apparently one of Angel's friends have a pickup that had a mounted ballista in the back to hunt vampires. I vetoed that from the start, even the famously inept Sunnydale blue would take notice of that. Maybe if we had a detachable mount and one of those multi-loading large crossbows for special missions? Hmm, I'll need to take a look into this. We could revolutionize the mobile slaying business! Would take a beating in the gas budget though._

_I've talked with Tara a lot these last few days and girl that was rough. Good, but rough, but not in a 'hey baby let's try out this paddle' way. We got a lot off our chests, once again not in that way, and I promised here to stop walking on eggshells as long as she put her foot down if I ever pushed too far for her to be comfortable._

_Faith met Dawn and Buffy yesterday while taking a walk. They all got a coffee together and apparently it went well. 'Strange as shit but B was nice enough, all considered' was the review from the Faithydale Express. Gonna check with Buffy later tonight how it went but a meeting between those two without any fist being thrown is a good one according to me._

_Went to the Magic Box after classes today and realized that the mood there is actually worse now when it's just me and Giles instead of me and Anya. He wouldn't apologize but at least he let me purchase my equipment without any bull about not being able to handle whatever I was gonna do with the stuff._

_For the record, it's supplies for my spiritual grounding rituals. Alsnotra, Goddess of Knowledge and Wisdom, doesn't demand much but what little she ask for I want to be able to give freely. Not like he'd understand, he probably think I base my magic on the comics of Thor. Stupid poopy head._

_Faith just left the apartment to take Dawn for a drive in the truck. They seem to be spending a lot of time together these days. It's good for them both, Dawn got a friend that's closer in age to her and Faith get another reason for her to stay with us here, at least for a while. I just want her to have a home she can call her own, where she is safe._

  
***

  
"Okay D, put the clutch down and then start the engine. Turn the key carefully and BAM, there you go!"

Dawn giggled. Faith had no clue she had done a couple of rounds with Joyce's old jeep last summer with Spike. Faith had driven them to the outskirts of the city so they could practice in peace. 'Everyone need to be able to drive in an emergency, you never know if an ambulance takes too long or if the cops are too fast.'

She got wise pretty fast once Dawn did a quick U-turn and adapted to the heavier truck. In fact, Faith took the chance to open her window and light up a smoke as Dawn drove them back into town with the latest album of Sahara Hotnights blasting from the speakers. They didn't say much but it was a comfortable silence, one honed through the time they've spent together the last few months.

As it was getting dark they passed an area of houses for rent and Dawn stopped the car without warning.

"What the hell D, you hit something?"

Dawn pointed to a body by a pile of overturned garbage cans.

"Look, it's Buffy! She seems hurt!"

Faith dashed out of the truck and grabbed her fellow slayer, carrying her to the back seat as Dawn peppered her with questions of her situation.

"Calm down. B seems fine. She's not bleeding, she is breathing and there doesn't seem to be a fever. Get back into the car and take us to your home. I'll call Tweed and the girls and tell them to meet us there. Now GO!"

Dawn raced down the streets, taking full advantage of the sparse nightlife of Sunnydale to stay well over the speed limit. By the time they arrived at Revello Drive Buffy had woken up again but was fortunately not coherent enough to realize that it was Dawn and not Faith that drove the truck.

Within half an hour the group had gathered and was even joined by Xander who returned from his self-imposed exile. While Faith held an increasingly erratic Buffy down, the rest went to work to find out what happened. It was going to be a long long night.

Which meant that Xander's time to shine as First Food Officer was upon them.

  
***

  
Eventually, Buffy fell asleep again. Dawn and Xander managed to find and kill the demon after Giles identified it. Faith was busy on Buffy-sitting duty(which including literally sitting on her when the delusional attacks got worse) while Tara tried to soothe the symptoms with her knowledge of poultices and restorative magic. Willow prepared the disgusting cure and managed to apply it, successfully.

It was a strange night. The group worked like a machine. A shouty, petty, often annoying machine but an efficient one in the end. It was for the best that everyone was too tired to talk much afterwards so they all went to their respective homes instead of staying in place and risk emotions overflowing and renewing old grudges. Xander remained at the Summer's home to help maintain the safety while Buffy recovered. It was for the best as Spike tried to enter the house in the late night to force some kind of discussion with Buffy, something Xander was probably the last person in the city to let happen. He'd have to come back another time.


	15. March 21, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entropy, Guardian Angels and End of Season 6 Storyline

_Oh boy this spring is really messing with my head. Xander dropped by in the middle of the night - heartbroken - and slept on an air mattress in our dining area._

_You see, my silly friend thought that just because he dumped his fiance at the altar it didn't mean they couldn't still date and be together as if nothing happened. He had spent the last two weeks at Buffy's place in our old room, both of them seem to find comfort in each other. Dawn says it's completely platonic and I actually believe her, the Xuffy boat sailed many years ago. It also meant that Spike has been forced to stay at a distance from Buffy who's been patrolling with Faith half the time. It's good, they have found some understanding of mutual coexistence. Buffy still doesn't know about Dawn's training sessions with Faith though so we'll see how that hold up._

_Up until last night, however, Xander did apparently NOT know about Buffy's previous relationship with Spike. He was stuck on the deny-and-repress-until-you-can't setting in his brain and thought Spike was just continuing his old stalkery behavior that vamps seem to develop around the Buff._

_But, to the reason that Xander is currently snoring under the table I'm using. He had gone to the Magic Box to try to mend fences with Anya. Buffy went along for moral support but they didn't just find Anya in the Magic Box, they also found Spike. In Anya._

_I don't know the details of exactly what happened, Xander ranted incomprehensibly and Buffy was unsharingy when I called her earlier this morning, but apparently Xander almost bashed Spike's face in. Spike tried to defend himself but got more than a healthy dose of migraines for his trouble. In the chaos Spike accidently hit Anya but the chip didn't trigger. That's the second human now that he can hurt, Buffy can't sit around on this anymore. I had to physically get in the way of Faith when she found out about it after patrol so she wouldn't go out and stake Spike without us talking it over first. Cooler heads prevailed but for how long?_

_Fight wasn't over though. Spike lashed out at all three of the scoobies with insults and threats and dropped the bomb to Xander that he now had slept with both of his favorite girls. Xander would probably have staked him on the spot if he wasn't so shocked, especially after Buffy failed to deny the accusation. Xander came over here not long after as the fight no longer had any momentum._

_Buffy asked me to see if Faith wanted to go for some nerd hunting tonight. Apparently, the trio had hid a spy-cam in the Box and she's right now looking for more. I've done a sweep of our apartment and the area outside the front door but we are apparently not worth the effort. Shows what they know. Stupid Jonathan, should've ensured he knew the consequences of messing with ~~me~~ us after he got Tara hurt while playing superhero._

_Oops, Xander is waking up. Gonna fix him up some breakfast and let him sober up. Reminder, need to restock on beer._

  
_***_

  
_Two entries in one day! I know of one journal that's getting overtime pay!_

_So I got good and bad news. The good news are that Jonathan and Tucker's kid brother are both under arrest, Faith and Buffy caught them while they were planning some kind of heist of some sorts. Warren, the Buffybot maker, managed to flee out of the backdoor of the house they used as a base but all his toys and allies are gone. They probably should've moved after they sent that mindscrewy demon after her the last time she got close. There's an APB out for him and we're all keeping our eyes open._

_Xander is back at Buffy's place to make peace and apologize for his chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease. Apparently he lashed out at her pretty badly after Spike dropped the bomb and I think I've found a challenger for the title of the 'who can drive away all of their friends and family' title of the 2001-2002 Scooby Season. I probably should go over there soon too, we need to see what we should do with the whole Spike situation._

  
***

  
**7:21 PM, Wilkins' Road Apartment 525**

It was when Willow put away her journal and finished her coffee that Tara stormed through the door in a rush.

"Willow! Faith! We need to hurry. Buffy's been shot. Xander just called and Warren attacked them at her home."

Faith was up and clothed in a blur and soon all three had dashed to the truck which roared as it woke up and Tara drove them towards the house. Willow barely heard her phone at first but answered as soon as she saw Xander's number.

"Will. We're at the hospital. She's alive but heading to surgery. Warren is still out there and Spike has gone after him."

Willow nodded, forgetting that he couldn't see it, and grimly thought that maybe they should wait to go after Warren until Spike was done with him. She broke out of her reverie as Xander shouted at her through the phone.

"Will, you there? Willster?" She responded affirmatively and he lowered his voice. "I didn't tell this to Tara but Spike was at the house just before I got there. He assaulted her in the shower. He tried to rape her but she got away. Only reason I didn't get after him is because she begged me not to. It was several hours later that we were attacked by Warren and when we got to the ER Spike was there and found out what happened. Before I could catch him he had gone after the nerd."

Willow don't know if Xander kept talking after that. She shut the flip phone and left it at the car seat.

"Tara. You need to drop us off here and hurry to the hospital. Buffy is alive but in surgery, she need you to ensure the healing is done right."

Tara looked into the rear mirror with worry as she pulled up at the curb.

"What about you and Faith? Where are you going?"

Willow moved up to Tara and kissed her on the cheek.

"We're going to make sure Warren doesn't kill Spike and get away."

Before Tara could respond, Faith and Willow was out of the truck and ran towards Fort Summers. She sighed and put the vehicle in motion towards the hospital. Time was of the essence and she had to help Buffy before she could help stop Warren.

  
***

  
**7:36 PM, Sunnydale Memorial**

"Xander! Where is she?"

The young man stood up and turned towards her. He should probably been surprised that he didn't see Faith or Willow but in all honesty, he wasn't and he didn't mind either. He had an inkling on what was going to happen and he was not going to be upset about it.

"She's down the corridor and to the right, second door to the left. Can't miss it."

Tara thanked him without stopping and followed the directions. Exactly how he knew where the emergency surgery room was located were a question she didn't want to spend energy on right now, she knew the answer would just make the situation even worse.

"Miss, you can't go in there. There's a surgery in process and only critical personnel are allowed inside!"

The nurse's protests were in vain. Tara acted as if possessed, channeling more power from the earth than ever before. She didn't even notice when the door opened without her prompting to and then she almost hovered into the room. The staff inside paused their work and turned to her with wide eyes. Her hair had turn completely white and her eyes decided to follow the same fashion trend. She glowed with a blue-white aura that almost made it seem like a halo behind her.

"Everyone outside. Now."

With her voice echoing with gentle authority and power the staff quickly evacuated the room, leaving Tara to get to work.

  
***

  
**7:42 PM, 1630 Revello Drive**

"You find anything, Red?"

Willow was in her old room and ran her fingertips over bullet stuck in the wall. She shuddered as she calculated the bullet trajectory and swiftly dug it out, depositing it in her pocket.

"Yeah, I found one of the bullets. I can use this to track Warren."

Faith entered the room with a smile.

"Five-by-five. First we bring the asshole in and then we dust that fucker so hard his grandsire will call me and complain about heartburn."

Despite the frantic setup of the spell ingredients and the sweat running down her forehead, Willow couldn't help but giggle.

  
***

**7:48 PM, Sunnydale Memorial**

After several minutes of intense focus, the bullet was finally out of Buffy's body and Tara moved towards her friend. She held her hands over the gunshot wound and started an incantation just as Xander entered the OR. He realized what she was doing and used a nearby chair to barricade the room before shutting the blinds and slid a chair towards Tara as she continued the healing ritual. It wasn't until she sat down and he started to relax a bit that he actually noticed her white hair and eyes.

"Wow I must have been way slower than I thought I were because apparently you were not only able to save my best Buff but got a complementary makeover on the way as well! This place is really catering to the regulars nowadays."

Tara contained the giggle, unwilling to break the incantation, but let a smile flash briefly in appreciation to her friend.

  
***

  
**8:21 PM, Alley next to Willy's Bar**

Warren stepped out of the bar, mocking laughter chasing him into the darkness of the alley. He thought he had hit her dead-on, not even the Slayer should've survived a master shot like that. "Stupid bitch couldn't even die right," he muttered as he kept his hand on the grip of the handgun.

"Mate, that's the only thing you'll be better at."

Spike growled. He didn't know until now that Buffy had survived but it didn't matter, Warren would die for what he had done. Warren drew his gun and pointed it at him and an ugly grin grew on his face as he recognized the speaker.

"Oh if it isn't the neutered vamp, the Slayer's leashed bitch. I know you can't hurt people anymore but you know what? I can still hurt you. You and everyone else close to that stupid bitch."

Spike didn't respond, opting to surprise the nerd with a running kick instead. He connected and Warren fell backward, grunting in pain, but the migraine he got in response knocked him to the ground immediately after. Warren got up first and raised his gun at the blonde vampire and he snarled.

"You can't win. You can't kill me. Why do you even try? Bitch won't thank you anyway. I can! I can get that chip out of your head!"

Spike spat blood on the ground and shook his head.

"No. I hurt my bird today - hurt her almost as bad as you did - but I can still make it good. Make it better. If I bring her your spine then she might forgive me, she might give me another chance!"

Warren's response came in the form of bullets. Three shots - all to the chest - and the vampire stumbled backwards. They weren't lethal to the vampire but they sure hurt. He stood up again and the wannabe supervillain emptied the magazine, hitting with all but one shot. Spike fell to the ground and before he could stand again, Warren began kicking and punching him. He wasn't a good fighter or even strong but he kept the attacks going often enough that Spike barely could recover between the blow. He really had nothing to offer as a retort.

  
***

  
**8:24 PM, Sunnydale Memorial**

The glow around Tara fizzled and disappeared as she fell back in her chair. Slowly her colors returned to normal and she would have collapsed to the floor if Xander hadn't caught her in time. He put her in a stable position and went to get a glass of water.

"That's.. some impressive witchy mojo, Tara. Willow taught you some new tricks while I was away?"

She panted in exhaustion and turned her head with a tired expression.

"No, this one was all by myself. This kind of restorative power isn't really something my girl is made for, just like I'm not made for the more direct power she is well on the way to master."

A shift from Buffy alerted them that she were waking up but to their surprise, she was not only awake but sitting up as if she had never been shot that evening.

"Well, if I must be honest, right now I'm really really glad that it's you and not Will that's the white witch of the Dale of the Sun. Now, can you guys get me something to drink and tell me what's going on here?"

Xander hurried back to the sink for another cup as Tara started to bring her up to speed.

  
***

  
**8:31 PM, Alley next to Willy's Bar**

Spike's face was in a state that made it almost unrecognizable. For the last ten minutes it had been subjected to a large number of kicks and stomps from a Warren that didn't even care to finish him off, he was gloating that he had brought one of the worst vampires in history to kneel. There were plenty of wood around to ensure that Spike would never come back but it didn't matter, it was all about the power.

"How do you like this? And this? How about this? Or this?"

Each question was followed with another assault on the former poet who didn't even try to banter anymore. Just as the engineer was about to pistol whip him again; he stopped. As Spike looked up he saw the man being pushed up against the wall by an unseen force.

"I don't think he likes it very much, Bitchboy. What do you think, Red?"

Willow stood next to Faith. Both were unarmed to the naked eye but Spike knew that both were deadly in their own way.

"No Faith, I don't think so either. Spike, how about we even out the odds a bit?"

Willow moved her left hand in front, palm open as if waiting for a gift.

_"Skilja"_

The air over her open hand shimmered for a moment until a miniscule piece of electronics appeared.

"There, Red just took your chip out Fangy. You got anything to say to Bitchboy?"

Spike stood up and Warren was released from the magical hold. The vampire was far from anything approaching fit but he now had a chance to get even.

"Yeah. Let the best man win."

To call what followed a fight would be generous to Warren. It took less than ten seconds before he was down on the concrete, the quickly snapped neck a restrained response from Spike considering the abuse he just had endured at Warren's hand.

"Now, where's Glinda? You managed to chase her away again, wicked witch?"

Willow kept her composure. It was a long time ago that Spike knew enough about her to be able to push her buttons. He wasn't some master schemer, he was nothing but a bloodsucking monster with a Buffy obsession who had outlived his welcome months ago.

"No. She's at the hospital right now saving Buffy's life. What I do wonder is how you knew she'd go there. It's almost like you knew that she'd be hurt today; as if you actually had been at her house before."

Her hint was obvious enough that not even the shaken vampire could miss it. He went into vampface and snarled.

"I know I hurt her you stupid bint. That's why I'm here, to show her that she can still love me. That we belong together."

Faith's expression remained frozen in a mix of anger and disgust.

"That's not gonna happen. B may be a spoiled bitch but she deserves better than you. Nobody deserve to suffer your presence. And you know what? You're off the leash now, you are fair game for those of us in the slaying business. And I? I just clocked into work."

She ran towards him and threw a series of punches. Most hit but he was expecting an outburst from her and as soon as she left an opening he struck; throwing her over his shoulder and thereby putting himself in between the two girls as Faith crashed in a pile of garbage.

"Now that was just stupid, bint. Now there's nothing between me and the wicca here and I no longer have to keep the peace since she's no longer my luv's best bud. So, it's finally time to finish this farce!"

He turned to Willow but just as he was about to pounce at her he stumbled forward. A stake had been thrown and was lodged in his lower back.

"Now that's just pathetic. I thought my third Slayer kill would have brains and not willingly disarm herself. Not a problem though, I'll take every advantage I can get!"

Willow turned over her palm - dropping the chip to the ground - and rotated her hand to point it at Spike instead.

"So do I, William the Bloody. Goodbye, and stay gone."

He moved to retry his charge but stopped as he realized the growing heat in his back.

_"Eldi-stokkr."_

Suddenly the stake that was lodged in his back burst into flames. He tried to grab it and remove it but his hands caught fire instead. Within a couple of seconds nothing remained of William the Bloody, the Slayer of Slayers, except for some dust and a lingering smell of burned flesh.

Faith met Willow's eyes and they shared a quiet moment together with a smile. As the slayer stood up and tried to brush off the garbage from her denim jacket she laughed and motioned to the entrance to the alley.

"Come on, let's go. We need to make sure we're not around once they find Bitchboy's body. And T need to know what the hell happened tonight."


	16. March 22, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some clarification of magic sources, reconnecting with Dawn and a bit of a breather for the gang.

_Sunnydale Press_   
_Friday Edition, March 22, 2002_

**_WANTED STUDENT FOUND DEAD, COPS SUSPECT SUICIDE_ **

_Former Dutton Tech engineering student Warren Mears, native to Sunnydale, was found dead late last evening in downtown Sunnydale. Mears was wanted for a failed armored truck robbery attempt earlier that day that ended with local law enforcement capturing two accomplishes, Jonathan Levinson aged 21 and Andrew Wells aged 20._

_According to an anonymous source within the police department Mears decided to settle some old score and shot a former classmate from Sunnydale High before fleeing the scene again. The identity of the woman is kept hidden in respect for the victim but reports say she has survived and is recovering well._

_Mears was found in an alley later in the evening with his neck broken. He was close to a nearby ladder to the roof and is suspected of killing himself when he realized that he wouldn't escape the local law enforcement. At the time of death he was wanted for attempted robbery, attempted murder and according to sources within the department he was also a person of interest in the death of his former girlfriend and fellow engineering student Katrina Silber. Silber was found dead in the Sunnydale River on the 6th of February and Mears was requested to come in for questioning but had failed to do so upon his death._

  
_***_

  
**_STAFF OF SUNNYDALE MEMORIAL FIND RELIGION_ **

_Religious and psychological scholars are puzzled by the claims made by an entire surgical team of Sunnydale Memorial. According to one of the nurses in attendance - identified as ms Lorelei Baker - a critical operation that was going badly due to a grievous injury inflicted earlier in the evening. That was until the team was interrupted by what she described as an angel of the biblical kind. Baker claim - and her account is corroborated by other attending staff we've approached - that the angel in question forced herself into the operation room, hovered to the patient and ordered the team to leave. What exactly happened after that is unknown but apparently the surgery was no longer necessary and the patient left the building on her own accord._

_"Someone out there has themselves a real guardian angel, blessed be their souls," claim Baker. Local religious figures have welcomed what they're calling a miracle, a claim that a UCSD psychology professor question and instead put the cause of the event as mass hysteria induced by a leaking canister of anesthesia that quickly would have affected the sealed area._

_Hospital administration has refused to give any comments on the matter and refer to an ongoing internal investigation on the events._

  
***

  
Willow put down the paper and relaxed in her seat on the balcony. It was early evening but the city was unusually calm for a friday. Faith and Tara had gone out to dinner and Dawnie had gotten the okay to spend the night with the girls from her sister. She entered the balcony from the apartment with two different beers in hand, handing one to Willow and keeping the other for herself. Willow arched an eyebrow curiously at the younger woman.

"Now, Faith said that as long as I get my own I'm okay to drink here and see," She held up the bottle she kept for herself, "not the beer you keep in the fridge right? Don't worry; this is the only one I'm having. I feel like I've earned it after yesterday's chaos and the panic and the lack of information on what was going on."

Willow saw through the confident ruse. Dawn was trying to push her claim to a beer with a barrage of guilty conscience, appeal to authority and pledge of moderation. It was a smart move and she presented it short and succinctly so Willow yielded with a shrug, deciding to reward a good effort.

"Okay, but one word of it to Buffy and you're sleeping out here tonight."

Dawn kept her squee silent but were betrayed by her face and motion as she skipped to her seat next to the redhead.

"So Dawnie. Not that it isn't great to hang just you and me - because it is and I've really missed you and it was a while ago since just the two of us hang - but how come you didn't want to join the girls at dinner?"

Dawn flashed a smile to reassure Willow she did not take any offense to the query and then turned to stare out at the emerging stars.

"As you said, it was a while ago it was just the two of us. Plus Faith said that she needed to get to know Tara a bit more since you know how Tara tend to fall back a bit in group conversations. A one-on-one is just what those two need, especially after the lightshow Xander spoke of last night."

Willow giggled as Dawn continued. "Plus I'm actually curious about a thing and haven't gotten the chance to ask you: How did you take down those watcher assassins in the cemetery? And how did their helicopters blow up like that without anyone stopping you?"

Willow beamed a smile of pride. Nobody had actually asked how she did it and she didn't want to brag. Okay - she totally did - but she wanted to be all smooth and cool about it. It was obvious that Dawn would ask eventually though, she is the only person Willow have met that challenged her for the title of Lover of Learning.

"It was actually simpler than you'd think. You see I heard about when the Watchers sent a helicopter after Faith two years ago in LA, just before she turned herself in. So I called Wesley. You remember Wesley; he was Faith and Buffy's watcher for a short while? Anyway, I called him and asked him about the attack and what equipment they used. I was a bit afraid that they'd come after Buffy next because they did try to kill her like a week before and I really do not trust those f-" She caught herself mid-curse. "Poopy heads! So then I got the model name from Wes for the helicopter and 'found' the blueprints," her euphemism was met with a questioning glance from the teen, "and soon realized that if I managed to implode a certain piece of the combustion engine I'd create an immediate and complete chain reaction that would blow the whole thing to smithereens!"

She had by now become engrossed in her own revelation - overjoyed to find someone who's actually interested in her knowledge of how something is done - just not the fact that it is done.

"So the spells didn't actually take as much energy as they would have if they were huge balls of fire or electricity and they were much faster. The helicopters were gone before they got a single shot off. After that I had to focus so I used the distraction of the explosions to make all their guns weigh as much as anchors. It's an old battlefield spell that the viking witches used to overwhelm their opponents. It took a lot more effort though, I had to keep channeling the spells or they could pick the guns up again and kill us all."

"Will, that's awesome!" Dawn had been promised that Tara would teach her some protective magic during the summer to complement her rapidly improving fighting skills. "How about the last spell you used; the one that shattered his arm?"

Willow needed a second to remember. The 'Lemja' spell came to her so easy these days, a simple spell that disabled most humans and many demons.

"It's actually a spell designed to cut firewood, originally." Dawn looked at her incredulously. "No really. It's a spell to break a small shaft of wood, up to about three inches at most. I've realized I could repurpose it to break bones as well. It's how Amy was put in a wheelchair after she tried to abduct me, for example. People expect the flashy stuff - especially in a fight - when it's really just about precise focus on the vital areas. So overall it went so well that evening because I used my engineering and biology wiz to make them think I'm some kind of archmage when all I am is a little Will-o-Witch."

Dawn giggled as she was forced to mesh her view of the cuddly, friendly, and anxious Willow with the infamous spellslinger that brought the Watcher's Council to their knees with an elaborate bluff. Good thing Willow could never apply those skills to poker or Dawn would be broke in an hour.

"Can you teach me those spells you used? That firewood spell in particular would be awesome to use to turn the tide against some vamp or ugly demon!"

Willow's smile faltered and turned apologetic as she turned to face Dawnie.

"I'm sorry but I can't. You see, I draw my magic from a different source than Tara. I draw from the old Norse pagan gods. You know, Odin, Thor, Frigga and the others. Tara however, she draws her magic from the earth itself. It's pure magic, more true to the spirit and not one you mix with other sources or you risk corrupting it as it's channeled through you. It's what I did before and eventually the dark magic came to me more easily than the earth magic - or any other types of magic for that matter - and in the end I kept relying on the Hellmouth for all my magic needs. And remember that - whenever you are even a little bit tempted - it is never worth it. I almost lost everything - I lost everyone I loved - and I did it while thinking it was worth it in the end."

Dawn put down her beer and reached over to hug Willow. Her arm still hurt sometimes when a cold wind blew through but she never told that to Willow. She wouldn't - she couldn't - forget that night but she had forgiven Willow a long time ago.


	17. May 7, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Torture, degradation and Connor.
> 
> So yeah, just used three words to describe the same thing there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter includes some homophobic and racist language. Not much but didn't feel fair to spring it on readers without a heads-up.

_There's nothing you can say_

_I feel like there's no way out_

_You think you know, what's to come, what you are_

_You bitch_

_I know you used that spell on me_

_No moral compass, no understanding of right_

_It frightens me how powerful you're getting_

_Violate my mind like that_

_What in the frilly heck was that_

_I don't think this is going to work_

_Don't! Please don't with that treachery_

_You haven't even begun_

_Do you think I'm stupid_

_How could you, Willow_

  
***

  
Willow screamed as her head was pounding like a drummer on speed. She opened her eyes but everything was dark. She was lost. She tried to gather strength to create some light but the spell fizzled as the choker she wore started to buzz. 

'Wait, that's not my choker. Who put it on me? Why can't I move my arms or legs? Where am I? What time is it? Crap, I'm captive somewhere. Doublecrap, they know what I can do. Triplecrap, I can't be found because I still got my Doll's Eye crystal. Quadcraple, I have no idea how I got here.'

'Did they take Tara? Or Faith? Or Dawnie? No, wait, last thing I remember was lounging on the balcony after that test with Tara and Faith. When was the test? Monday. Monday the 6th. Since I haven't soiled myself I doubt I've been here for more than 24 hours, 36 tops. I'm hungry but not starving so probably no more than a day, really. How'd they get me without Tara or Faith?'

'Wait, Faith was going out for patrol later in the evening. Oh yeah, we were out of eggs. I offered to go to the corner store and pick them up so we'd have them for breakfast. Alone. So Tara should be safe. It was a short task, they must have started looking for me. Have they told Buffy? Did they ask Giles if it's the council? Shit, it might be the council! They're gonna kill me and Faith and hurt Tara and maybe Dawnie and nobody would know or care I'd just disappear again and they would think I ran.'

'Wait, it's getting brighter. That's not natural light. In fact, this entire cell seems to be conjured. No windows, no door. Like Rack's den.'

"Fuck."

'Rack got me. I got complacent and he found me. He'll force me to embrace the dark magic and block all else out. He'll drain me and they'll find a husk that would only prove to them that I was a lost cause. They'll all know I failed them again. Off course I'd fail them, why would I ever think otherwise? Shit, someone's coming. Time to face the music time to die I'm sorry baby please keep Faith and Dawnie safe make sure you get away from Sunnydale and get somewhere safe.'

"Hello, Willow. Long time, no see?"

'Amy. Of course it's Amy. She entered through the wall, confirming the Racky theory.'

The old classmate and former rodent tried to pace at her with a menace but her gait couldn't contain the limp she had developed.

'Ah, someone used dark magic to advance the healing of the broken bone and didn't realize that dark magic never heal things right, necrotic cells develop around the healed area and makes the body go out of balance.'

"How do you like your cell? It's not big, I know, but it's a lot bigger than the cage you had me in for three years. Maybe I should see if we can install a wheel for you?"

'Wow you are really boasting about someone else's power? Couldn't even do it yourself. I bet it wasn't even you who captured me.'

"No talking huh? No prob. It's time for another session of Dose the Teetotaller."

'Wait, this isn't the first attempt? But I don't feel the Hellmouth infesting my spirit anymore. I must have been able to resist the first attempt without remembering it. I can do it again, I just need them to find me. Eureka, well, eurekaish!'

Willow suddenly started coughing, violently, and in her spasms she managed to shake her crystal loose from her top, letting it dangle freely from the necklace instead of being hid away.

"Ohh, what's this? A Doll's Eye Crystal? And it's currently active? You didn't use to wear this, at least not when we visited Rack together. Or at the Bronze. This must be how you've been resisting our treatments."

She removed the necklace from Willow and pocketed it for further study.

"Now, where were we. Oh yes, dosing."

Willow closed her eyes and didn't see the power Amy prepared to transfer to her against her will. She didn't feel it either. She just felt pain. Pain of all sorts and despite screaming herself hoarse there was nothing she could do to reduce it.

And then it all turned black again.

  
***

  
_Why are you even here_

_Better off with you gone_

_Can't do anything right_

_Scarred me for life_

_Useless addict_

_Ashamed to be your parents_

_Going to get her killed_

_Nothing but a charity case for a murderer_

_Unfaithful slut_

_Damn kike vermin_

_Dirty abomination_

_Good-for-nothing vagrant_

_Why don't you just end yourself, Willow_

  
***

  
It's dark. This time, she remembered the last session. She wished she didn't. Once again she tried a light cantrip but nothing happened.

'Okay, progress. Still dark as hell and I'm lonely but no traces of the dark magic yet. I feel blood running down my leg. And other stuff. Been here for a while then. I'm hungry but too disgusted to eat. Mouth taste like ash.'

She hear footsteps again and the light starts to return. She makes out the outline of what is obviously Amy.

'So time for round three. At least. Bring it on, rat Amy. I got nothing but bile for you. Bile and hate.'

"Good morning, Willow. How's it hanging?"

The attempt of an evil cackle does nothing but cause pain in Willow's ear.

'She's so bad at being smug. And being evil. I think the trio were better supervillains than she was. Give me some good Wilkins posturing any day. Unless he is to hold a speech. Don't have time for speeches.'

"I think you've been dishonest to me, old friend. This crystal did nothing to help you. I did some divination spells and found that it was just set up to block, well, divination spells. Can't really identify which one, you willing to help there?"

A small tingle appear in the back of Willow's mind. A good tingle. She has won, Amy just doesn't know it. She just need to buy a little more time. "Hey Amy? How about you bring Rack in here so the adults can have a talk. Go and fetch him and he'll give you something for a reward, maybe some cheese on a stick?"

Amy's good mood soured. Willow hadn't said anything for the last three days so she was caught off guard by the defiance. Amy always saw her old friend as weak, that her silence was used to mask her inability to stand up for herself, and the last few days had done nothing to dispel the notion. Not until now. She responded to the spiteful comment with a punch in the gut. Her knuckles were already torn so Willow suspected it wasn't the first time this happened. Maybe she only remembered one of many sessions, it might be more than one she's forgotten. She groaned in response to the punch. She's never been good with physical pain.

"Oh shut up, wimp. You're just disgusting. You whine and bitch your way through life and coast on a lucky draw of magic talent. The rest of us have to work twice as hard for half the talent and you do nothing but complain of your poor lot."

The entire room shifted out of phase for just half a moment. Willow didn't know if Amy noticed but if she did, she didn't react.

"Why so quiet again? Nothing left to say, wimp? Finally ready to accept the gifts you're given so I can get what's due?"

The magical barrier that blocked out sound was the first to go as the cell was suddenly assaulted by a cacophony of noises. Shouts and sounds from combat grew louder and the walls started to shimmer. Amy looked around nervously and realized that the warehouse outside the magical cell was under attack and the company of demons, vampires and weakened spellcasters were under assault by a much smaller but more efficient force. The noise of Willow falling to the ground and the following groan cemented the seriousness of the situation.

"You know, I got a lot of things left to say to you, rat Amy. You see, It's time for you to face my dark disquiet." She tore off the choker blocking her use of magic and felt her powers returning. No spellcasting for days meant that she had to move quickly or they magic would escape on their own accord. "But really, it can be narrowed down to three words."

She pointed towards Amy's strong leg and hissed.

_"Lemja!"_

Amy fell to the ground, clutching her leg while screaming in pain. Willow pointed to her sloppily healed leg from the attack in the motel and repeated the incantation.

_"Lemja."_

Amy collapsed on her back, no longer able to put any weight on her legs and looked up at Willow in panic, expecting to die at any moment.

"Bitch!"

Willow spat Amy's face, took back her necklace, and moved backwards towards the wall. She hated her. She hated her betrayal, her envy, her spite, her violations, her complete lack of empathy. But she couldn't kill her. If any monsters here survived and decided to take a snack, that would be her own fault for throwing in with their lot. If Rack were to drain her completely for her failure, that's Amy paying the price of admission to this folly of her.

The magic cell soon faded away completely and Willow took stock of the situation. They were in a large warehouse and it was Faith that was leading the charge against her captives. Dawn was covering her rear while Tara was dispelling the illusions. Surprisingly enough three new faces was fighting on their side. A young brown-haired man who fought like a predator, chasing down one demon after another and making short work of them. He didn't fight at the side of anyone, acting completely out of synch with everyone else, but managed to pull his weight anyway.

The other two were actually people Willow had met, her fatigued mind now reminded her. Gunn and Fred, two of Angel's friends that she met when she visited LA to inform him of Buffy's death. Obviously, Faith had called in some help and Willow wondered just how long was she out. The couple fought with good cooperation, Fred providing accurate cover with her crossbow as Gunn closed into melee range with his very peculiar axe that was partly forged out of a hubcap.

The enemy host was rapidly diminishing. It was an unorganized ragtag group of demons, humans and vampires that were indebted to Rack for one reason or another. Many of them, especially the humans, were weakened by him as part of his power-draining scheme and they put up far less of a struggle than what one would have expected from a force of their number. Especially with Faith at the helm of the attackers. She was fighting for the good guys these days but her style of combat retained the fury she was known for. She showed no mercy to any monsters and had no problem disabling the humans even if it caused permanent injuries. She was precise enough to avoid death but more than one spellcaster was missing a limb as a result of their resistance.

Just as the host was about to break and rout, Rack entered the fray. He had obviously charged up, at the expense of his underlings, in preparation of this assault but he didn't expect the fight to have turned so bad as quickly as it did. The few spellcasters that remained on his side were already drained from the effort of maintaining the cage when Tara was dispelling it and when the illusion collapsed completely many of the casters followed suit, the backlash of the dissolution making them pass out on the spot. The rest were too tired to put any kind of real struggle.

Rack tried casting fire and dark energy attacks to disrupt the attackers' lines but Tara were prepared for the onslaught. As soon as Willow had the necklace removed two days ago they knew who had taken her and while Tara was preparing for countermeasures against what they could expect from a den of dark magic addicts the rest sent out to scout for their captured ally. Buffy led the local group that contained Xander, Giles and a visiting Wesley while the rest followed Faith as she was crashing through known associates of Rack with a figurative wrecking ball.

As soon as Faith found the warehouse she called for Tara who joined them and initiated the attack. Buffy and the others still hadn't gotten cellphones so they had to do without the smaller group, something that appeared to work out just fine.

Rack fought with a desperate fervor but was soon brought to his knees. The young newcomer called Connor advocated for his immediate death, motivating his cause that spellcasters could never be trusted and all magic should be extinguished in the end. Faith told him once to shut up and when he failed to follow order she slapped him so hard that his feet actually left the ground. When nobody opposed his treatment he backed down, reluctantly.

"Red, this was done to you. He has tried to ruin your life for a long time now and has destroyed so many others before you. What do you want to do with him?"

Willow stumbled up to him, helped by Tara holding her up by the waist.

"I don't know. He is a monster, as bad as any demon we've faced, but he is still a human. Problem is that the human world has nothing to hold him. Other than the Watchers' Council but they'd probably make him an honorary member based on his history of using and abusing young women."

Tara laughed to herself, suddenly realizing something that everyone else probably missed.

"Uh, sweetie? He's not a human anymore. He's a demon, he must have sold his humanity for power a long time ago.

Willow's eyebrows rose, ignoring the pain that any sudden movement caused.

"Oh."

Without a hint on her face of the emotions waging a galactic war in her mind, she shrugged.

_"Ginnung."_

Rack's eyes curled upwards into his skull as his brain imploded and he fell to the ground, blood trickling out of his ears. The scattered survivors of the demon host fled the area as the worn fighters moved towards their transports. The fight was over, at least for tonight. That was the easy part.


	18. May 12, 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faith goes on the hunt, Willow is broken and Dawn offer solace

"How's she doing?"

Dawn stood up from her seat by the dining table as Tara left her bedroom in silence, quietly closing the door behind her. She paused for a few seconds, took a deep breath and then exhaled as she slowly shook her head.

"Better. Not good, but better. I've had to put in a matress cover as she was sweating so much that the linen got soaked. The screaming has mostly gone away but the whimpering and crying remain."

Tara didn't have the stomach to divulge that she had put in a sound dampening barrier around the bedroom as soon as they got back home two days ago. It was the only way Tara could get some rest when Dawn or Xander was on Willow-duty.

Faith had left with the remains of Angel Investigation to help find the missing vampire and the ex-scoobie Cordelia, letting Tara borrow her bed to catch some sleep each day. Both had gone missing a few weeks ago and Wesley had some kind of fallout with the rest of the group and they were running out of venues of investigation. Angel's mystically strong and magically aged son didn't provide much in the realm of sleuthing either, inexperienced as he was in anything that didn't involve hunting demons, so Faith had offered her help for free as repayment to her personal moral paragon. Last Tara had heard she was running around vampire nests in the projects of LA and bashing biter heads for information. Once a nest see their sire die from a reinforced baseball bat they rarely tried to withhold information when it was requested.

Tara knew how effective the method could be. After Willow was snatched up without a trace six days ago she had gone out and firebombed a vampire nest. She then spread the word that for every day that Willow was missing she'd double the number of hideouts that she'd annihilate. Some doubted her will to enforce the threat but by day three she had followed through on her threat and was approached by a demonic seer. He informed them of two different areas that had trace amounts of Rack's spiritual signature and the two slayers each lead a group to the suspicious locations.

The attack on Rack's host was brief but fierce and Tara's heart still ached as she remembered the state she found her lover in. Soiled with open wounds, sweat and tears pouring down her exhausted face. The elf like girl had kept her composure until they got to the truck that was taking them home and then the dam broke.

Willow cried and wailed for hours, refusing to go to the hospital. More than once during the following night she asked Tara to just give her a razorblade and leave her be. Tara and the others took the lumps as well as they could but there could be no denying that she was afraid that his might have been the last straw for Willow's already fragile psyche.

She knew that the redheaded mystic kept up a front of cheery pixieness and neverending optimism to cover her deep-seated anxieties but the last year has proven, without a doubt, that she would no longer be able to continue like that. The group of friend that used to see themselves as a family had fractured, almost in half, and much of it was because the stubborn refusal to acknowledge and attempt to work through the mental damage that they had suffered since joining the good fight.

Fact was, they were recruited as children to fight against the living embodiment of nightmares and horrors. They had seen friends and family fall to an uncaring and unwavering evil that gave no pardon and they still kept fighting. This had stunted their maturity in ways that were hard to quantify but the end result was that none of them would ever really be able to reintegrate into society as civilians again, no matter how hard they tried.

For some, such as Faith and Tara, it was a blessing as their childhood and adolescence had put them on paths that had no future and no potential for joy but for others, it was a curse. Willow, for example, had chosen to continue the fight but how much did she really know she was giving up? She had told Tara that she had letters of acceptance from the best seats of education in the western hemisphere and the talent to make full use of that education and make a successful life for herself. Instead she was scraping by in college due to her extracurricular activities and had a history of being a troublemaker and malcontent so even if she retired from demon hunting today and finished her education she'd still be marked, both professionally and in private, by the horrors she had experienced since before she turned 16.

Dawn was another of the indirect casualties of the nightly war. The young woman used to be an excellent student with great potential and a good circle of peers. Then she was abandoned by her father and then lost the rest of her family within a few weeks at the tender age of 14. Now she was a jaded and experienced fighter who was currently spending her days helping her fellow child soldier survive another night of nightmares and panic attacks.

"At least that's something," Dawn tried to keep up her front of boundless optimism. "Has she told you what happened between her and Amy while they held her captive?"

Tara couldn't even fake a smile this time. "Not much but I managed to pick up some of it. It's not really mine to tell in detail but the gist of it is that they repeatedly tried to force her spirit to embrace the Hellmouth again, torturing her mind as she fought the violations."

Dawn grimaced and looked towards their bedroom as if she could see through the door. She kept her gaze locked as Tara sighed and continued.

"I think I have to accept an offer for her that her religious mentor gave me."

Dawn turned towards her, eyebrows high in surprise. "You've talked to that Ella lady?"

Tara nodded, covering her face with her hair as she was wont to do when uncomfortable.

"Yes. I contacted her to ask for help to find Willow and we've continued to talk since. She is a very nice person and I'm glad Willow got her. But, she offered to take Willow in when she heard of the torture she had endured and help her with the rehabilitation. They have a licensed therapist in their coven who has offered to help Willow in any way she could."

Dawn's mood rose and a reluctant smile occupied her lips.

"That's great! They already know her and they know of our situation and are trained and educated to help people work through trauma and I just realized we're going to have to send her away aren't we?"

Tara nodded, her gaze still locked in a downward position as tears fought to escape the corners of her eyes. Dawn's demeanor changed. Not to one of a petulant child protesting the removal of one of her best friends but to a young adult knowing that sometimes sacrifices had to be made.

"Then we do it. I love Willow but she will not survive another year, maybe not even another month, without help. I love her almost as much as you do but we're not trained for this. We're too close to her and can't offer an objective opinion on the matter. She need time to recover and if we have to be without her for a while then that is what we have to endure!"

Tara hated how she felt. She knew Dawn was right, she wanted the same, but she was afraid and felt selfish for being so.

"B-but what if she..." She swallowed air and started over. "What if she isn't my Willow when she comes back? What if she doesn't want to stay here? W-what if s-she doesn't want me when she is better?"

The tears finally enacted the prison break of the Maclay Secremotor Correctional Facility and spread out down the cheeks of freedom. She covered her hands in shame and was soon embraced by her former foster child as she let out the fear she had bottled up ever since she was given the offer from Ella.

"Tara, trust me, that's just you being a dummy." Dawn put her hand under Tara's chin and raised the wicca's face to her eye level. "Willow loves you more than she loves anything, everything, else. In this dimension or any other, there is one thing that has kept her focused and that's her love for you. Even if you left her and never returned she'd keep going with the knowledge that you were alive and safe. Do you know what she told me after I first found her in that motel?"

Tara shook her head and sniffled.

"She told me that 'the only thing Willow was ever good for, the only thing she had going for her were the moments, just moments, when you would look at her and she felt she was wonderful and how that would never happen again.' She said she never expected you to forgive or even talk with her again but that she could live with that as long as you were safe."

Tara collapsed into Dawn's arms and they remained in position for hours, only sobs and sniffles breaking the silence.

Two days later, Willow was on an airplane to Arlanda Airport and the road to recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be a recount of summer activities and then it's on to part 2 of the story. Part 2 will be a reimagining of S7, obviously, with a bit more focus on the story while still keeping the core concept of trauma and Willow's mental state.
> 
> And it's NOT going to be one of those 'line for line' reimaginings with just an extra character or two. I've tried really hard to not reuse lines from the show in other context, the 'moments' line in this one is the only huge exception because I love it and since Tara's alive(Screw the ByG-trope) it felt like a waste to throw it at the wayside. I already had to do it with the lovely 'can you just be kissing me now' speech that is one of the best in all of television. :(
> 
> Thanks for putting up with my BS so far! Remember, kudos and comments are really appreciated and all critique is welcome!


	19. Summer of 2002, Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapeutic Pilgrimage, Pointless Search and Hidden Romance

_May 18, 2002_

_I hate it here. I hate being alone. I hate how cold the spring is in Sweden. I hate the mosquitos and the ground was covered in frost one morning. Some days are warm but the mornings and nights are cold and without my Tara it is unbearable. I love her and she help me but she won't want me again and I will be nothing but a vagrant when I return and they will hate me and shun me and drag me out of town behind a truck like the fag I am._

_I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I can't think. All I see is darkness, all I see is the end of everything._

  
_***_

  
_June 2, 2002_

_Thank the Goddess that Ella is patient. She and Nora, that's the coven's therapist, have helped me control the damage of the panic attacks when they do make an appearance._

_Because that's what they are. Panic attacks induced by the anxiety I've nurtured after years of trauma giving me PTSD. Nora has told me I need to properly respect and identify what I have experienced and trying to be all jokey fungirl about it only do me harm in the long run and trivalize mine, and others', trauma._

_I think Xander would have imploded if he had to follow those directions._

  
_***_

  
_June 25, 2002_

_Giles visited today. He was heading back to England(business as usual there then) and took a detour._

_It was tense, it always is between us these days, but he actually did apologize for being a shitty mentor and constantly undermining me throughout the years._

_He used Englisher words though._

_He asked for Calendar's remaining notes. I said I'd get back to him on that as I'm not sure I want him to read everything in there. I don't want him to give it to the Watchers._

  
_***_

  
_July 6, 2002_

_I've gotten phone privileges back! They took my cellphone away when I arrived, with my consent, as I needed to remove myself from the stress of my regular life(interesting idea of what is regular these days) to begin the process of healing but now I get one hour per day. Spent the first 55 minutes on talking with Tara and the rest with Faith. She wasn't mad that I balanced them that way and was oddly insistent that I make time for some phone lovin' next time I call Tara._

_Tara seems to be okay. She was working in the Magic Box for the summer and had a visitor from the Devon coven to help develop her magic and explore what the whole angelic episode was all about._

_I miss doing magic with Tara. Both kinds._

  
_***_

  
_July 14, 2002_

_The coven found a spy from the Council today. Interrogation revealed that he was not here to capture or kill me, just observe, and he was let go with a warning. It was kind of hilarious how he thought he would fit in with his Gilesy dialect. Most Swedes seem to speak fluent English, or at least close to it, but none of the natives speak with a british dialect or is named Charles Smithshire._

_They're really bad at that whole cloak-and-daggery stuff._

  
_***_

  
_July 29, 2002_

_Took part of a Seid today amongst the famous grave mounds in Old Uppsala today. It was awesome!_

_At first._

_Then the divinations by Ella, our Fylka(that's fancy talk for Head Priestess), spoke of a great evil rising from below in the Dale of Everlasting Sun._

_Yeah, I don't understand why I even bother to think it's going to be over anytime soon. Of course it's the Hellmouth_

_It's always the Hellmouth._

  
_***_

  
_August 2, 2002_

_Fylka Ella and the other Völva(that's seers) have talked and decided that it was time for me to return home, if I wanted to._

_I don't think I'm ready. They say I am._

_I'm afraid they're wrong but hope that I am._

_They said they would give me a boon to bless my spirit and soul. It will hurt for a bit._

_I will go but they didn't force me. They've never forced me._

  
_***_

  
_August 5, 2002_

_I'll leave tomorrow. I'll miss my friends here. I won't miss my room._

_I won't miss receiving the boon. They didn't tell me until the last minute that it was a tattoo in my neck._

_It's a wheel with eight spokes, each ending with an arrow, and the centerpiece of the wheel hold a burning eye._

_They said they don't know what it is exactly but that the runes spoke of its' importance, that Freyja would show me the truth when it was time._

_I just want to come home to Tara and my friends. I want to snuggle for years._

  
***

  
Anyanka sighed as she was sweating in the maternity ward. The woman was in her fifth hour of labor and nowhere close to be able to deliver yet. If she had known she'd be in a run-down hospital in south-east Asia in the middle of a heatwave to wait for an enraged and exhausted scorned lover to utter a wish for vengeance on her former boyfriend who fled when he found out about the child then maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have accepted D'Hoffryn's offer to return to the fold.

Her friends didn't know she was back in business. She had taken a leave of absence from the store after Spike's dusting and nobody had really questioned why after the event of the spring. Nobody but Faith and Willow knew that Spike was gone for good, either. Or that Anyanka knew about it. She'd keep quiet about it, the time when she wanted to piss off a violent slayer and one of the most powerful witches in the west was long gone.

It would take six more hours before the baby was born and by then the mother had given up on coherent language so Anyanka moved to her next customer. This time, the Ural mountains.

She hated this job sometimes.

  
***

  
Xander moved the last box into Joyce's old bedroom and smiled tentatively. He couldn't afford their old apartment on his single salary and Buffy needed help with the bills, this was a natural solution. They'd grown closer since the wedding and he often slept there anyway so it wasn't a big change in their day-to-day lives.

Dawn was okay with it too, she was happy that one of the original scoobies still remained close with her sister despite everything that had torn the group apart.

  
***

  
Giles put down the report and rubbed his weary eyes. All signs pointed towards the same thing; someone was killing off both Watchers and potential Slayers yet the Council refused to act. The Devon coven also spoke of the Hellmouth growing in activity at a rate rarely seen before and everything Buffy told him corroborated those reports.

He'd have to act alone if anything were to happen. The Council yet again refused to do their duty to defend the innocent and safeguard their young wards.

He signaled for his assistant to come over and gave him a list of essential tomes and prophecies.

"Mister Smithshire, I expect you to be discreet when you get these for me. Much more discreet than you were in Scandinavia. Travers must know _nothing_ about this, understood? And remember, time is of the essence."

  
***

  
Faith stared into the ceiling as she woke up, headache pounding a steady beat into her brain. She tried to turn over but was pinned down by an arm around her waist. She moved as carefully as she could to figure out who her bedpartner was but couldn't prevent stirring the other inhabitant who blinked her eyes open.

"Is it morning already, Faith?"

She saw the smile on Dawn's face and relaxed.

"Nah, go back to sleep D, it's still hours to go."

Faith kissed her girl on the forehead and closed her eyes. The fallout was a problem for Future-Faith.

Right now, it was only bliss on her mind as she descended back into sleep.

  
***

  
Duck. Block with right arm. Parry with shaft. Duck to the right. Dodge backward. Flip over opponent's weak arm. Feint weakness. Block and counter with punch. Disable with knee into thigh. Block riposte with quick magic barrier. Overhead throw into wall. Followup with arm over throat.

"Nice moves D, you've really gotten a lot from the magic lessons T has given you. Still, I got some stuff you're not prepared for."

Dawn couldn't protest the boast as Faith gave her a kiss on the mouth, their lips wet with sweat and saliva. Dawn involuntarily loosened the chokehold and Faith struck like a viper, reversing their positions.

Dawn didn't try to block the second kiss.

  
***

  
Buffy put down the phone with an exasperated groan. Angel still had nothing. She was starting to doubt he would even tell her if he did. She was pretty sure he didn't though, he seemed to be busy controlling his wayward son who had apparently kidnapped and dumped him into the Pacific Ocean. Made Dawn seem like a saint in comparison.

Was she still over at Tara's? Been there for hours now. Not that Buffy had a problem with that, Faith is usually out on Saturdays anyways according to the wicca.

Time to make another visit to Willy's. Maybe some new rumor of the status or location of Spike had turned up.

  
***

  
Tara smiled a friendly goodbye to the last customer of the day and turned the sign to CLOSED. Tomorrow morning. Just fifteen more hours until she can greet Willow at the airport. Fifteen impossibly long hours.

The summer often felt like it worked under hell dimension rules when it came to time dilation. She had learned a bunch from the witch of the Devon coven and had a lot of time to spend with her friends and chosen family but she still missed her, still slept without her Willowpillow.

Soon they'd be back to normal. Back to College, back to cohabitation, back to long evenings and intense showers. Back together.

If Anyanka was AWOL tomorrow they'd have to keep the store closed because Tara was taking a personal day. Or five. If Giles had a problem with that then he could show up in person and say so himself.

She picked up the ingredients for the sound barrier spell and went home for an early night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, end of part 1 only. Stay tuned for part two and hope you enjoyed my first ever fic. All input is appreciated.
> 
> Please share, kudos and comment!


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